AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #30: Stoopid Hoomins

Published: November, 1965

I am what is commonly known as a “Cat Person.” I like dogs too, very much, but if I had to choose one over the other, it’s cats for me. My Page-a-Day calendar features beautiful photos of cats, tiny knick-knacks around my house are cat-themed, and I just put up a cat shower curtain in the hall bathroom. Let me clarify: I am not a “Crazy Cat Lady.” At least not yet. But there’s no guarantee I might not become one in the future.

With this in mind, whenever I see a cat motif in a Marvel Comic, I find it extra appealing.

This story has at least one “cat,” and maybe even two. More on that later, but let’s start at the beginning. As the story opens, we see a lower-tier criminal known as the Cat Burglar robbing a safe. Now it just so happens this is the safe of J. Jonah Jameson, publisher of The Daily Bugle. In other words: in these pre-internet times, the Cat Burglar pulls off the giant-sized blunder of robbing the guy with the biggest megaphone in town.

HE WHO FAILS TO PLAN, PLANS TO FAIL
Not a very smart move, Cat Burglar. In fact, one might say it was rather “stoopid.” I’m writing “stupid” this way because, as the self-described Cat Person that I am, I am of course a big fan of I Can Has Cheezeburger and other similar places online, where we often find cats not only in ridiculous situations themselves, but also wryly commenting on the activities of their “stoopid hoomins.”

The Cat Burglar may see himself as a cat, but he is, in fact, hoomin, and he is, in fact, stoopid. As any smart criminal knows, staying below the radar is essential to continued survival. Not bothering to determine beforehand whose safe you’re robbing is unforgivably stoopid.

After this, the Cat Burglar decides on “one more haul,” this time choosing to rob a tall building. Where the windows had been washed the day before. “I’m the window washer!” is his only plausible explanation to be swinging around a high-rise apartment building. However, had he taken the time to simply “case the joint,” as any good criminal would do, he would have been aware of the window washing schedule and thus not become the victim of his own stoopidity when a concerned citizen leans out the window to ask what the heck he’s doing out there (the assumption being that this concerned citizen then calls the cops).

The Cat Burglar calls it “crummy luck” that he picked the building where the windows had been washed only the day before, but there’s no “luck” about it, only a severe lack of planning.

But let’s get back to this idea of the Cat Burglar making plans for “one more haul.” As anyone who’s ever watched a movie knows, making big plans for a final hurrah is absolutely doomed to failure.

A little Google bird tells me there is actually a word for this: Retirony.

My thoughts immediately flew to the Danny Glover character in Lethal Weapon, who gets mixed up with crazy Mel Gibson only weeks before his retirement. After some rough experiences with crazy Mel, it works out okay for him in the end, but not so much for a similar character in the Last Action Hero spoof.

And to bring this concept right home to the MCU, what about Tony Stark in Avengers: End Game? He is persuaded to come out of retirement for “one last time” to save the earth, and in the end, he does, but also loses his own life in the process. The first time I saw this movie, my foreboding sense of foreshadowing gave me a hinky feeling this was not going to turn out well…

But maybe the Cat Burglar isn’t a big fan of the movies. And if not, that’s to his detriment. He could have picked up a bunch of good pointers from the suave purveyors of his craft, like Cary Grant in To Catch a Thief, or David Niven in The Pink Panther. Even if he is incapable of recognizing the literary foreshadowing inherent in the phrase “one last haul,” he might have made a mental note to check the window washing schedule. Or at least appeared more fashionable while burglarizing by choosing an appropriately hued scarf.

JAMESON’S DOPEY DILEMMA
J. Jonah Jameson is also not thinking through the consequences of his actions. Indignant at the theft, he immediately offers a reward for capture of the Cat Burglar without first considering that Spider-Man could very likely be the one cashing in on this generous offer.

When Spidey bursts into Jameson’s office and needles him about the reward, Jameson is virtually speechless. This is his “Oh, crap!” moment. All he can get out is a quick “announcement” of “Spider-Man!” I always love the “announcement” when a character unexpectedly appears, but this one is especially delightful because of Spidey’s snide response.

Of course, you’ll note that Spidey tells Jameson to keep his checkbook open, which raises another interesting dilemma. Jameson does not want to be caught in the awkward situation of having to pay the crime-fighter he’s been berating all this time. How embarrassing!

But I believe if he’d taken just a little more time and care to think this through, he could have found the golden loophole. Pulling out his checkbook, all he has to say is, “Okay, Spider-Man, you earned the reward money, fair and square…now, to whom shall I make out the check?” Peter would then be forced into revealing his identity, providing the name of a friend or family member who could pay him back later (both unlikely), or insisting on cash. To which Jameson would simply claim he doesn’t deal in cash, and he’s not paying unless he can put a name on a check.

How do you think that scenario would turn out?

BETTY BURIES THE LEAD
So there’s a bit of soap opera in the Jameson/Spider-Man story developments, but it cannot compare with what happens between Betty and Peter. Apparently, something’s been going on behind the scenes, and she needs to see him “as soon as possible!” Peter rushes right over, and when Betty has trouble spitting it out, Peter urges her to “start at the beginning.” Which she stoopidly does, announcing “Ned has asked me to MARRY him!”
Bad move, girl! Later she tells the slammed door, “It’s you I love! It’s always been you! Oh, Peter why didn’t you let me explain…”

Of course, had she led with “It’s you I love,” things would have gone much smoother. There would have been no need for her to announce that she detests Spider-Man, which of course is Peter’s nail in the coffin. Why did Betty handle this situation so ineptly? Is it because she’s young and inexperienced? Is she not really that bright? Or does she actually harbor such a deep fear of commitment that she subconsciously sabotages her own love life?

GET A LIFE!
Even though Peter is now on his way to college, some characters from high school make an appearance in this issue. It’s good to see that even after graduation, Liz Allan may still be a part of Peter’s world. She’s a “working girl” now, she tells Peter—which I choose to believe means she has taken a secretarial position.

Liz is moving on with her life, but Flash is pathetically stuck in the past. As we might expect. In high school, he was a star football player, good with the ladies, all-around popular BMOC. But the summer before college, when he should be looking forward to beginning a new life at Empire State U, he’s lurking in corners, stalking his old high school girlfriend. Flash is already dealing with the realization that his world is about to drastically change. Instead of thinking ahead to all those lovely co-eds, he can’t get his mind out of the past, where his glory lies. Poor puny Flash is behaving rather stoopidly.

THE CAT (NOT BURGLAR)
But let’s get back to The Cat—since this story is about The Cat. Or the Cat Burglar. I’m not exactly sure which. Though it seems to be both. The criminal referred to as “The Cat” has two crimes going on at the same time. His specially-equipped and costumed minions steal uranium derivative from Stark Industries at the same time his band of “hired hoods” is pulling off a bank robbery.

Questions: Why are the bank robbers hired? Does The Cat not have a big enough litter of kittens to get all his jobs done? And why does he need to have the bank robbed at the exact moment the uranium is being stolen? And for that matter, why does he need to rob a bank at all? Presumably the uranium will fetch a high price on the black market…or am I thinking too much like someone from the early 21st century, rather than 1965? Maybe, as a comic book character, The Cat is not intending to sell the uranium at all, but use it in his own scheme for world domination? (MMWWAHHAHAHAHA!!)

MISDIRECTION OR MISTAKE?
Of course, I’m not really sure who “The Cat” is. He hasn’t made an appearance before this, and now in this story called “The Claws of the Cat,” we seem to be seeing two different but similarly-named criminals at work.

In the previous issue, Jameson asks if there is any more information “about the Cat Burglar…OR the theft of scientific equipment.” That can be taken two ways. He’s either asking about two elements of one particular news story, or he’s asking about two separate stories. The point is, the writer (and here it could be Stan, whom the credits tell us the story is “written” by, or Ditko, who is given credit for “plotting”) seems to be setting the stage for the next issue. And to my way of thinking, they are being deliberately deceptive about these offhandedly mentioned events.

SMALL POTATOES
When we first meet the “Cat Burglar,” he immediately labels himself “small potatoes,” someone whose criminal footprint is so small, even Spider-Man wouldn’t take notice of him. This red-headed Cat Burglar calls himself “an ordinary second story man” and takes pains to inform us that he gets so much done with only the modest, unassuming tools of his trade—a rope, a flashlight, etc. He humbly and specifically paints a self-portrait—to himself—of a simple man, not the leader of a crime conglomerate.

Fast forward to The Cat. Minions. Uranium. An imposing mask (so we can’t see his face at all!) Can this really be the same person? What are we supposed to think?

The Cat’s only saving grace in Spider-Man breaking up the bank robbery is that as hired hoods, “they won’t be able to spill the beans about us!” I contend that Stan and Steve are being coy with the readers, also not quite ready to “spill the beans” about the true identity of The Cat. Maybe they think I’m too stoopid to figure this out? But…ah hah!! I’m one step ahead of them!

I think…

Anyway, all this has me looking forward to next month’s issue.

STOOPID SPIDER
Finally, at the end of the story, Spidey has to admit he was unprepared for the Cat Burglar shining the blinding beam of a flashlight in his eyes. Spider-Man should be ready for anything, but sometimes he does act impulsively, which occasionally gets him in trouble. Yet in the end, his little screw-ups don’t usually end up spoiling his heroics. So, of all the stoopid hoomins in this particular story, he gets an honorable mention, but certainly does not win the prize.

A PICTURE IS WORTH…
Maybe the prize should go to J. Jonah Jameson. It still baffles me why he never questions Parker on how he always just happens to be there to get all these fabulous photos of Spider-Man fighting crime. You’d think he’d be at least a little bit curious. Is he really so stoopid that he can’t put the pieces of this puzzle together?

Well, I have a theory.

Perhaps Jameson is not as stoopid as he looks, and secretly, subconsciously recognizes the very real possibility that Parker, if not Spider-Man himself, at least has more information than he lets on. As much as Jameson would like to unmask and expose Spider-Man, and as much as he might, on some level, know that Peter could be the key to making that happen, he is also not stoopid enough to apply the brakes on this particular gravy train.

Overall, my takeaway from this story is that nothing may be quite what it seems. There’s so much going on beneath the surface with so many of these characters. Whatever games Stan and Steve might be playing, they are very wise hoomins to keep us hanging on this plot, just as the Cat Burglar is hanging from the side of a high-rise apartment building, not washing windows.