AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #2: Old, Bold, Bald Baddies

“Duel to the Death With the Vulture!”
Script: Stan Lee
Art: Steve Ditko
Letters: John Duffy

“The Uncanny Threat of the Terrible Tinkerer!”
Script: Stan Lee
Art: Steve Ditko
Letters: Art Simek

We’re back to Spider-Man, and this time our hero tangles with two villains who are less than super, but nonetheless entertaining. More important than the foes we face, there’s further development in the Spider-Man mythology. Peter Parker finds a solution to a major life obstacle and poor Aunt May finally stops drooling. What? Well, let’s start at the beginning…

There’s a new villain in town: the Vulture, who is so fast and clever that nobody can even snap a picture of him, including all the ace photographers on the staff of J. Jonah Jameson’s NOW magazine. This is probably a good thing (at least for the Vulture) because if anyone could get a picture, it would be revealed that he is nothing more than a skinny old bald man in a bird suit, and the public would more likely think him a retiree from a fried chicken joint than a master criminal.

But Jameson sets his mind on getting a photograph of this character, just about the same time that Aunt May presents Peter with Uncle Ben’s old camera. Peter realizes that Spider-Man is just the guy to outsmart the wily vulture, and snap those elusive photos. He figures there’s big money to be made, and what’s more, he relishes the irony of selling these photos to Spider-Man’s #1 opponent, crotchety old J. Jonah Jameson.

As a “young science major,” Peter has a hunch how the Vulture flies, and creates a device to test his theory. But poor Peter is so involved with the camera and the secret device that he forgets to replenish his web-shooters, and when the Vulture attacks and throws him into a water tank, it momentarily looks like this might be the end of Spider-Man!

Not really. We know he’ll figure a way out, and when he does, he uses this episode of careless stupidity to increase his arsenal with the creation of not only extra web-filled cartridges, but also a nifty secret belt for keeping them handy.

So the next time Spider-Man goes out to face and photograph the Vulture, he’s ready for anything!

The authorities, however…not so much. Despite the Vulture sending notification (note wrapped around a rock thrown through a window) that he plans to steal a shipment of diamonds, and despite the fact that there are policemen and armored tanks everywhere to prevent this criminal act, the Vulture manages to pull it off. I say “despite,” but perhaps I should say “BECAUSE.” He’s actually quite clever. While everyone is looking up, expecting the Vulture to swoop down from the sky, he unexpectedly pops out of a manhole, grabs the diamonds, and escapes through the sewer and subway tunnels.

But the Vulture cannot escape Spider-Man! And during the expected scuffle, Peter activates his secret scientific device, and sure enough, the Vulture drops to the ground like an emu. Now at last the police are of some use, easily able to capture the fallen bird and send him to jail.

Jameson pays so much for the Vulture photos that Peter’s able to pay the rent for a year, and also promises Aunt May “the newest kitchen appliances you ever drooled over.”

So that’s the answer to the mystery of Aunt May drooling, but what about the other mysteries? How did a skinny old bald man manage the wonder of flight, and how did Peter knock him out of the sky? If you don’t know the answer to this one, you haven’t been paying attention! Why, magnetism, of course! Now, don’t ask me exactly how magnetism can make you fly, but in the Marvel Universe the power of magnetism is responsible for a myriad of wonders, and I guess young Parker didn’t have to jump far to come up with the idea of an “anti-magnetic inverter” to knock the Vulture out of commission.

Ah! Science is a wonderful thing. It enables our hero to capture the villain, but it also increases the level of storytelling suspense. At first I balked at Peter forgetting to fill his web-shooters before heading out to battle the Vulture. How could he be so careless? Isn’t being a spider what Spider-Man is all about? Did Joe Namath ever step onto the football field without his helmet? Did Billy Joel ever forget to take his piano to a concert? It seems suspiciously convenient for the sake of storytelling drama that Spider-Man would neglect to ready his weapons right before a battle.

But then again…maybe not. Let’s think this through. Peter is a teenage boy. Is there a more distractible and scatterbrained segment of the population? And add into this the anticipation of making big bucks by snapping photos of the city’s latest super-villain (if we can call him a super-villain…). Poor Peter did have a lot on his mind.

If we stretch, we can make it make sense, but what’s more important, this unfortunate incident serendipitously leads to further significant developments in the Spider-Man mythology. Also, we are reminded here that Peter’s powers are based on science, not magic, and as such, are subject to human error. With unpredictable limits comes the potential for drama. And drama is what we’re here for! So in this case, I think I’ll let the error slip.

However, I do have a problem with Aunt May. Granted, the old relative is blown away by Peter’s promise of “the newest kitchen appliances you ever drooled over,” but once she stops drooling, the obvious question should arise: “Peter! Where in the world did you get all that money?” If I were Aunt May, I would certainly suspect Peter of stealing those diamonds. But I’m not Aunt May. Maybe I’m far too cynical. Instead, Aunt May simply gushes, “It’s just like Uncle Ben always said, you’re the most wonderful boy in the world!”

Yeah, yeah, I know Aunt May is the classic “good aunt” (unlike Bertie Wooster’s Aunt Agatha in all those Jeeves and Wooster novels), but…c’mon! The question of Peter’s sudden windfall would have to occur to her, sooner or later.

And maybe it will, and that’s a scene we’ll eventually get to see. From the outside looking in, we may view her unconditional acceptance of Peter as naïve, possibly based on her advanced age, but more likely it’s a survival skill. After all, who does she have in the world, except Peter? I don’t get the sense from these stories that Uncle Ben amply provided for his loved ones with a huge pension plan, and Social Security seems to be minimal or even non-existent in the Marvel Universe. Perhaps shrewdly, Aunt May senses that it’s in her own best interest not to ask too many questions, and so we find the old gal clinging to the old adage, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!”

Three more observations, then I’ve got to move on. First, it strikes me as odd that when Peter takes up as freelance photographer for Jameson, he is so insistent that his name be kept out of print. What harm would it do for him to get credit for these amazing photos? Wouldn’t it increase his social standing at Midtown High if the gang knew that timid wallflower Peter Parker was excelling at something as sexy as paparazzi to the super-villains? Does he not know that…or does he not care?

I’m sure Peter would enjoy the notoriety, but I suspect there are stronger forces at work here. Secrecy is so much a part of his life at this point that perhaps, even subconsciously, he makes the decision to shy away from any possible connection between the two roles. As a smart and (usually) conscientious kid, he may not want to take the chance that some clever onlooker could eventually put the pieces together and come to the conclusion that he…is…Spider-Man!

This makes sense, and yet, I’ll propose still another explanation: perhaps Stan felt he could get the greatest dramatic mileage out of another secret in Peter’s life. Maybe Stan was not quite ready for Peter to crawl out of his social cocoon, and he relished the storytelling possibilities inherent in his main character trying to keep so many secrets. Not only that, but when those storytelling possibilities are exhausted, then comes the drama of finally choosing to reveal those secrets. There can be secrets, and then there can be the revealing of secrets, but once the toothpaste is out of the tube, you can’t put it back in. I’m sure Stan knew this, and was simply prolonging the suspense, and adding to his file of future story possibilities.

Now, secondly: I noticed something perhaps a little disturbing, about Peter. I say “Peter,” because even though he is donning his Spider-Man costume, preparing to take on the Vulture, he’s thinking, “If I can get some new pictures of him now, I’ll be able to name my own price!”

At this point, Peter should be primarily concerned with stopping the criminal, restoring order and justice to the beleaguered city. But instead, he’s thinking about personal finances.

Frankly, I was a little disappointed in my superhero. But then I have to remind myself, he is, after all, just a boy, with far too many responsibilities in his everyday life. And now at last, he’s come up with a plan for dealing with some of those responsibilities, and he’s excited to put that plan into action. I guess it wouldn’t exactly ring true if here, we found Peter thinking, “And now to stop the accursed Vulture and restore order and justice to the beleaguered city!”

Okay. I’ve talked myself out of it. It may be jarring to see the superhero dreaming about big bucks immediately before he enters into super-battle, but yeah, I’ve got to admit…in this case, it totally rings true.

Now, one more thing, and this will lead me right into the second story. I wonder if anyone else feels that sometimes these Marvel stories deliver significantly less than they promise? The covers and splashes sometimes read like The National Enquirer, enticing us to come inside, then leaving us feeling like we’ve been the victim of a bait and switch! For instance, on the splash for this first story, we are tantalized with “Duel to the Death with the Vulture!” Then…well…guess what? Actually, nobody dies.

But before we can get over that disappointment, we turn the page to find Spider-Man saying of his next opponent, “The Tinkerer is one of the greatest menaces I’ve ever faced!”

Sounds good, right? Dangerous and ominous. Makes us want to read more, and find out how in the world Spidey is ever going to overcome this accursed super-villain!

THE TINKERER
But before we turn that page, let’s slow down a moment and evaluate the claims on the splash. First, we begin with the weasel words “ONE OF the greatest.” Now, sometimes, we are indeed promised “THE greatest” or “THE biggest, THE best,” or “THE most dangerous!!!” But at least in this case Spidey only considers the Tinkerer to be ONE OF the greatest menaces. So that softens the blow, brings his statement back down to earth a notch.

But next, let’s consider the phrase “I’ve ever faced!” At this point, as superheroes go, Spider-Man is still a baby. This is only the fifth time we’re seeing him in action, and prior to this he’s only faced the Chameleon, the Vulture and some garden-variety thugs. Of course, it’s possible he’s already faced more dangerous criminals and villains and those encounters have not been documented, but if that’s the case, I want my money back! Why am I paying 12¢ to see Spidey battle measly villains like the Chameleon and the Tinkerer, if Stan is holding back on a confrontation with….oh, let’s say, the dreaded Doctor Doom? It’s possible, but I don’t think it’s probable.

No, I’m trusting that Stan is giving full disclosure on the most exciting adventures of Spider-Man. And that being the case, we know there are bigger, better and more dangerous criminals coming down the pike, so now when he says, “The Tinkerer is one of the greatest menaces I’ve ever faced!” …he’s not actually saying a whole lot, is he?

And actually, that’s a good thing, because in this story, we don’t get a whole lot.

First, to be perfectly honest, the word “Tinkerer” does not strike terror in my soul. (But then, do you remember…the Puppet Master?) And once again, it appears our villain is little more than a crusty old man!

To be fair though, on the splash, Spidey informs us he is aware the Tinkerer “looks so harmless,” and later describes him as “about as dangerous as a second-hand creampuff.” Well, I beg to differ, Pete! A second hand cream puff could give you a good case of food poisoning. I think Peter comes closest when he observes that the Tinkerer could be mistaken for a character straight out of Grimm’s fairy tales.

Of course the Tinkerer’s outward appearance is of no consequence, for by the end of this short story we discover he is in fact, a little green man from outer space, sinisterly assuming his disguise in order to gain access to the electronics of a select group of earthlings.

Among this select group: Professor Cobwell, “the most famous electronics expert in town.” For me, the amusing inclusion of Professor Cobwell is ONE OF the most compelling reasons to bother with this story at all. He’s your classic absent-minded professor, full of book smarts, but very little in the way of street smarts, or even common sense. He leaves Peter, a high school kid he’s just met, alone in his lab with all his scientific inventions and discoveries, with no thought that the boy might break or steal or mess up anything. (“Hey…I wonder what happens if I press THIS button…”)

Even more incredible, he sends his radio to be repaired by the Tinkerer because the prices are “ridiculously cheap,” never suspecting that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. I guess Cobwell has never taken his car in for one of those $5.95 oil changes, only to be informed by the mechanic that numerous hoses “just happen” to be damaged, and the radiator is about to blow. And surely he has not taken advantage of that “free maintenance on your vacuum cleaner!” coupon that will ultimately put a $25 hole in your pocket. Been there, done that…sorry to say, I learned the hard way.

But then again, I’m not a smarty-pants scientist.

But neither is Cobwell, perhaps, if as “the most famous electronics expert in town,” he is not able to repair his own radio. What? I mean…what??? The most famous electronics expert in town must send his radio out to a shop to be repaired? Huh?

Okay. Maybe I’m not being fair. Perhaps Cobwell COULD repair his own radio, but he has so many other more important things on his mind that he does not deem it a good use of his time and superior intellect to be tinkering around with a simple radio. Therefore he gives the job to the Tinkerer, and sends a high school kid to pick up the repaired item. I remember reading about Albert Einstein once that when asked for his phone number, he went to the phone book to look it up, explaining that there were so many other more important pieces of information he needed to keep in his brain, that he didn’t bother to create mental clutter with information he could easily find elsewhere.

Maybe with Cobwell, it’s something like that? See. I’m trying to make this work…

As the resident science nerd at Midtown High, Peter is invited to assist Professor Cobwell with his latest experiments. Not only does Peter jump at the opportunity, but he heartily defends his decision when Flash Thompson mocks him. Actually, I was quite proud of Peter in this scene, as he manages to get in a few good verbal jabs, calling Flash a “dumbhead.” Who knew the little wallflower had it in him?

Anyway, as I mentioned, the Tinkerer is actually an alien, working with a group of aliens, “using some sort of eerie spy devices which they place in our radios in order to learn our military and scientific secrets!”

I don’t have the time or energy to again question why advanced alien races who have perfected space travel need to come to little ol’ earth to glean our secrets, but as soon as Spidey figures out their plan, he is captured and put in a “resisto-glass prison.” However, with his now amply supplied webshooters, he escapes, and his display of strength causes the green men to flee in terror.

All’s well that ends well, except for Professor Cobwell, who is left scratching his head in bafflement over what he felt sure was “a space ship of some sort fading into the atmosphere.” Peter, wisely, offers no comment.

A goofball like this Professor would be nice to have around for comic relief, but Russ tells me we will not see him again. Russ surmises the Professor gets run over in traffic while looking skyward for further space ship sightings. I surmise that in the Marvel Universe, that would not be a bad way to go.

But wait! In our next story, dying of old age could be a very real possibility for our hero! Join us next time when the really, really small meet the really, really old!

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