MARVELOUS MOVIES: FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

Before I started reading Marvel Comics, I had a vague notion that somewhere out there in fantasyland existed a group known as the Fantastic Four, but I had no idea what they were like. If you had shown me a picture of Superman, Aquaman, Batman and Wonder Woman and told me this was the Fantastic Four, I would have believed you. I may have even believed you, if you’d shown me Bert and Ernie, Cookie Monster and Big Bird. That’s how ignorant I was. (Well, wait…maybe not that ignorant…)

Then, in 2005, along comes a movie with the superb title of Fantastic Four, and I went to see it. I don’t exactly remember why, but it probably had something to do with Ioan Gruffudd. Some time earlier, I had discovered Mr. Gruffudd when picking up a copy of the A&E Horatio Hornblower series at my local public library. I lived in South Florida at the time, and let me go on record as saying that except for NYC, LA and Chicago, Broward County has the best public library system in the county. Don’t believe me? Click here.

I was only interested in Horatio Hornblower because I remembered once reading that William Shatner likened Captain Kirk to the famous Hornblower from literature. And so, in a long and twisting path, once again, all things lead back to Star Trek.

So, here I am, a big Ioan Gruffudd fan, going to see Fantastic Four, having no idea what I’m in for. My handsome Welshman is playing someone named Reed Richards, who is a super-smart guy (I like that!) who also has an amazing ability to stretch. Oh, yeah! That’s right: my kids have a toy rubber figure of some guy in a blue suit who has really long stretchy arms and legs. This must be him.

And there’s another guy who catches fire, a girl who becomes invisible, and someone who looks like he’s made of rocks. So then…THIS is the Fantastic Four.

Huh!

I enjoy the movie, and not just because of Ioan Gruffudd. I like the story, and the villain is creepy, with awesome superpowers of his own. Everyone in the theater claps and cheers when the mailman shows up. I feel like I’m missing something on that one, but no matter. It’s a tale well told, with a happy ending.

Flash forward ten years. I’m married to Russ, I know the difference between Marvel and DC, and I’m reading Fantastic Four comics. Now I understand why everyone got such a kick out of Willie Lumpkin, the mailman. At this point, I’ve seen almost every Marvel movie, and whenever Stan shows up on screen, I cheer as well.

But, from this vantage point, I look back at Fantastic Four (2005) and realize mistakes were made. While it’s still enjoyable to watch, the movie is flawed in two major ways.

First, let’s consider this little issue of CANON. Again, we have to go back about ten years when, to the best of my knowledge, a cannon is simply a weapon Horatio Hornblower fires from his ship while fighting pirates. But then I start dabbling in fan fiction (see above reference to everything leading back to Star Trek, and while we’re at it, Star Wars…) and now I’ve learned that “canon” qualifies a piece of fiction that absolutely respects the creator’s original intentions. Captain Kirk is from Iowa, not Arizona. Luke and Leia are siblings, not a romantic couple. And Sue Storm is a natural blonde.

But we’ll get to that in a moment.

Let me go on record as saying I am super-big on canon. I love to respect the creator’s original intentions. But, at the same time, having seen many Marvel movies, I realize it’s not always easy, or even advisable, to stick strictly to canon when trying to condense 50 years of comic book history into a two-hour movie. Sometimes the only way you can make sense of it all is by twisting, bending and stretching the truth, so that in the end, you have something that looks less like Reed Richards, and more like Mr. Fantastic. On occasion, a single supporting character may be a compilation of several different characters, and a villain’s backstory takes place in Buffalo, not Bulgaria. But that can be okay. If handled with care.

Case in point: Russ and I have recently become fans of the BBC Sherlock series. For those who may not know, this series follows the famous fictional detective from the late 19th century, but now he’s been dug up and replanted. No, he hasn’t opened shop in Buffalo, he remains in London, but it’s modern-day London. Mrs. Hudson is still his landlady and Dr. Watson his faithful sidekick. But their arsenal of crime-fighting equipment now includes computers, cell phones, DNA evidence, etc. Holmes remains a thorn in Lestrade’s side, but now he needles the Inspector with text messages, as much as direct verbal assaults.

If you haven’t seen this series, you really need to check it out. It’s a perfect example of how to pluck a creative property out of its comfortable canon and yet remain true to its original spirit.

Which leads me back to Fantastic Four (2005). When I first encountered this movie, knowing nothing about this particular group of superheroes, I was fine with it all. Because I didn’t know any better. But now I do. And now that I do, I take exception to some of the plot points, but even moreso, extreme umbrage at some of the character portrayals.

Before I begin my rant, let’s get this out of the way: Michael Chiklis, as Ben Grimm/Thing was just perfect. So why was it so hard to cast the other three?

REED RICHARDS – STRETCHING THE TRUTH?
Let’s start with Reed Richards. As much as I’ve established that I love the actor Ioan Gruffudd, he’s simply not right for this part. And it has nothing to do with his accent. He does an American accent well enough, but no matter how much bleach was added to his temples, he was not old enough to be Reed Richards. I’m new to Marvel comics, but so far my impression of Reed Richards is that he’s the MATURE leader of this group. Though he’s not an old man, I want my Reed Richards to have a few more “wrinkles.” Not necessarily actual wrinkles, but he should give the impression of being a little more worn around the edges. And he should smoke a pipe. Offhand, I don’t recall if Ioan Gruffudd picked up a pipe in Fantastic Four, but if he did, my main impression would have been, “Oh look, there’s that hot young Welshman Ioan Gruffudd, trying to appear more mature by smoking a pipe.”

SUE STORM – DRENCHED IN INCONGRUITIES?
But if there’s an incongruity between the movie Richards and the actual Richards, how much more Sue Storm! Now, I like Jessica Alba, nothing wrong with her as an actress, but again, she’s not right for the part. For one thing, Sue Storm is presumably a natural blonde. Jessica Alba is not, and what’s more, she obviously is not. She’s a beautiful, sexy woman (as is Sue Storm) but Jessica Alba is part Hispanic, and Hispanics are not natural blondes. And if you try to make them blonde, it’s not the same kind of blonde as Sue Storm. No matter how much bleach you add to her hair, she’s never going to look like the real Sue Storm. Again, through the whole movie, I’m looking Sue, thinking, “There’s Jessica Alba with bleached hair.”

We know the real Sue Storm made frequent visits to the salon, but I don’t think coloring was part of her beauty regime. Or, if it was, at least she walked out looking like a natural blonde. Not like Ms. Alba, who looks like “a woman who bleaches her hair.”

Hollywood is awash with talented, blonde actresses. It’s hard to believe none of them were available, at the time the movie was cast.

And what’s all this about Sue having a relationship with Victor Von Doom?? What in the world would ever attract our heroine to the man who morphs into arch-villain Doctor Doom? Sure, the Sue of comics has a crush on Namor, but Namor is a noble villain. He’s the Monarch of Atlantis. Doom is simply mean and bitter. Brilliant, but warped. The real Sue Storm would never go for a guy like that.

JOHNNY–BOY, OH BOY?
And the real Sue Storm has a little brother. Who’s in high school. He’s a basketball player, not a fighter pilot. Ben Grimm is the fighter pilot. Johnny’s just the juvenile tag-along. Until he gets zapped by cosmic rays, then he’s a teenager with explosive powers. Which is more palatable than a grown man with explosive powers who simply ACTS like a teenager.

Russ pointed out that they probably made Johnny older and a pilot to explain how all of them end up on that rocket that gets bombarded with cosmic rays. If you’ll remember, in the origin story (FF #1), Reed and Ben are the pilots for the flight into outer space, and Sue says, “I’m your fiancée. I’m going with you.” And Reed doesn’t object, so Johnny adds, “Where sis goes, I go.”

Now granted, as much as I love the origin story, this part doesn’t hold together. And it certainly wouldn’t fly (no pun intended) in a movie aimed at any audience past 1965, unless it’s a goofy comedy. So it appears the creators of Fantastic Four (2005) changed the essential make-up of the main characters in order to accommodate their doctored plot.

Not happy about that.

After about five minutes reflection, though, I easily come up with an alternative solution to the problem. Why not keep Johnny a teenager who sees the big boys getting ready to blast off into outer space and says, “Hey! I want to go, too!” No, squirt, you can’t. This is MEN’S work, and besides, you’ve got to take Doris to the prom. Oh…okay…he pouts. But secretly, the ever-resourceful teenager plans to stowaway.

So now, Johnny’s on the rocket, and where’s Sue? Well, it’s okay if she’s a scientist, a professional equal to Reed and Ben, also scheduled for the flight into the cosmic rays. As much as I love canon, it’s always good for Marvel movies to modernize the portrayal of women. Because when you’re going back to these origin stories from the 1960’s, the portrayal of women is so archaic. Nowadays you simply can’t have the gals vacuuming in high heels, while the menfolk head out to save the world.

But the Sue Storm we know is a socialite. Socialites existed in the 1960’s, and still do today. So it would be perfectly fine if she wasn’t a scientist. If she’s a socialite, we might see her lunching with the girls, visiting the salon, totally bored with her easy life. In that case, it’s not difficult to imagine that when she discovers brother Johnny has stowed away on the rocket, she follows to bring him back, and also gets stuck in the cosmic rays.

What a story she’ll have to share with her beautician, next time she visits the salon!

For highlights. Not a total dye job.

Why am I harping on this? Why is it so important that the actors in a movie approximate the physical appearance of their comic book counterparts? Why? Maybe the better question is——why not? There are so many actors available for these roles. You don’t need to pick a Reed Richards who is not old enough. You don’t need to pick a Sue Storm who is not a natural blonde. You don’t need to pick a Johnny who looks like he’s ready to join the Marines.

Case in point: the Avengers series. How well cast are these movies? Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. Perfect. Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Hunky. Blonde. Perfect. Those casting agents didn’t dye Downey Jr.’s hair to turn him into Thor. They didn’t darken Hemsworth’s hair to make him Tony Stark. Tony Stark is an American, and has an American accent, just like Robert Downey Jr. And Hemsworth’s Australian accent plays right into the exotic flavor of his Asgardian character.

Casting an existing property is all about audience expectations. The more you meet those expectations, the less likely the audience will wallow around in, “Oh, look, there’s Actor X trying to be something he really isn’t.”

This movie’s casting agents could have gotten it right. But they didn’t. And when you add sub-standard casting to some major plot mishaps, you get a “series” that only goes on for one more movie. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) began strong in theaters, but attendance dropped dramatically in the second and third week. Maybe audiences sensed, once again, that something about all this was… not quite right?

Two films in, and the “series” needs to be rebooted.

A reboot is currently in production. Before researching for this article, I had high hopes that this time, Fox would get it right. However, everything I’ve seen online so far makes me wonder if they’re taking a giant step backwards, as if they didn’t learn from their mistakes the first time around.

We’ll see.