THE MARVELOUS AWARDS: WRITER AWARDS

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

WRITER AWARDS

Stories are houses built not of bricks, but of words. Comics are stories built of words and pictures. Sort of like bricks and mortar. One is not of much use, without the other. Writers provide not only the mortar, but also the architectural plans. And the landscaping and window treatments. If I keep this up, eventually I’ll run out of metaphors. So, enough with the introductory comments already! Let’s get on with the show!

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MOST SHAKESPEAREAN MOMENT
(OR…THE BARD WOULD BE PROUD)

William Shakespeare is one of the most renowned writers of all time. His name has become synonymous with flowery language and overblown drama. But he’s not the only one who excels in such endeavors. The writers in the Marvel bullpen have no doubt learned a thing or two from the master.

In the category of Most Shakespearean Moment, the nominees are:

• The Inscription on Thor’s Hammer: “Whosoever Holds This Hammer, If He Be Worthy, Shall Possess The Power Of…THOR”
• Dr. Doom’s soliloquy, when he looks in the mirror and laments, “I alone must hide like a dark wraith from the sight of my fellow man!”
• Tony Stark, for bemoaning his fate, “trapped in an iron prison”

And the Award goes to…

Thor’s Hammer! Doom and Stark are of this world. Thor’s Hammer gets extra points for being from a realm beyond our own.

Honorary Mention to Tony Stark as Iron Man, in The Avengers 2012 movie, who, upon meeting Thor for the first time, chides him with, “Doth Mother know you weareth her drapes?”

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“SOME OF THE LANGUAGE IN HERE JUST SLAYS ME”

In college, I had a professor who was fond of saying, “Some of the language in here just slays me.” I’ve always remembered this, and kept it in the back of my mind as my personal mantra for celebrating the wonders of extreme language. I find “slayworthy” language everywhere I go, and of course Marvel comics are no exception.

In the category of “Some of the Language in Here Just Slays Me,” the nominees are:

• A teenager ogling a girl in Tales to Astonish #43, tells his buddies, “Hey, guys–dig the luscious chick!”
• Tony Stark, in Tales of Suspense #41, defuses his date’s fan-girl gushing over his charitable deeds with, “Careful, doll! You’ll make me flip my halo!”
• In Hulk #6, when Rick Jones’ pals want to show him what the gang’s been doin’ (“You’ll flip, son!”), Jones replies, “Sorry, Daddy-o! I ain’t in a flippin’ mood!”

And the Award goes to…

Rick Jones in Hulk #6. Sorry, but I just can’t pass up a “Daddy-o” when it comes to language that “slays” me.

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MOST EPIC BATTLE

Heroes and villains battle, but before they can do so, someone has to imagine that battle, and plan it out in minute detail. The more perilous, the better. And the most perilous battles are those that seem unwinnable…right up to the very moment they’re won.

In the category of Most Epic Battle, the nominees are:

• Spider-Man’s first encounter with Dr. Octopus in Amazing Spider-Man #3
• Ant-Man, Wasp, Iron Man and Thor fight Hulk, Loki and an assortment of Trolls in Avengers #1
• The invasion of the Atlanteans in Fantastic Four Annual #1

And the Award goes to…

The whole gang in Avengers #1, simply because there are so many superheroes in one place. And of course, when you throw in a few trolls, the LOTR geek in me can’t help but be delighted!

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EXTREME IRONY

Irony: “A rhetoric device, literary technique, or event characterized by an incongruity, or contrast, between what the expectations of a situation are and what is really the case, with a third element, that defines that what is really the case is ironic because of the situation that led to it.” (Wikipedia). Got that? Don’t worry, it’s not actually that complicated. Just enjoy.

In the category of Extreme Irony, the nominees are:

• Flash Thompson, who always supposes that whenever Spider-Man is battling a villain, Peter must be “hidin’ with his head under a desk somewhere!”
• The evil Professor Zaxton, who duplicates himself to confuse Thor, then falls off the building and is killed. His physical duplicate with the opposite personality (a good person) lives on.
• Jane Foster, for giving Dr. Blake an earful because she has to make “lame excuses” when he’s not there. He’s out saving the world, and she’s lecturing him about “responsibility.”

And the Award goes to…

Tough choice, but in the end, I’m going with Jane Foster’s chiding of Dr. Blake, if only because her insensitive description of “lame” excuses adds an additional layer of irony to her tirade.

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MOST ALLITERATIVE NAME

Many of the mostly marvelous monikers of the sensational 60’s cavalcade of comic characters are permanently positioned in pop culture simply because they sound so darn-tootin’ good! Stan Lee used alliteration to label so many of his characters so he wouldn’t forget their names, then he himself famously forget a few (Who the heck is Bob Banner? Or Peter Palmer?) But how shall we ever forget these gigantic gems?

In the category of Most Alliterative Name, the nominees are:

• Victor Von Doom
• Paste Pot Pete
• J. Jonah Jameson

And the Award goes to…

J. Jonah Jameson. Not only do you have the three J’s in a row, but if you refer to him as “JJJ,” there’s no mistaking who you mean. Sure, you could do the same with Paste Pot Pete, but “PPP” doesn’t have the same authoritative ring.

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BIGGEST SURPRISE

It’s no fun if you can predict everything that’s going to happen. While comics tend to follow a general formula that adds a pleasant sense of familiarity and expectation to the reading experience, perhaps one of the most pleasurable expectations is the certainty that every now and then you’re going to get walloped with a hefty dose of the unexpected.

In the category of Biggest Surprise, the nominees are:

• Mongu from outer space is actually a bunch of Commies!
• The Hate-Monger is unmasked as…Adolph Hitler!!
• In Strange Tales #114, we discover that Captain America is not Captain America at all, but the villainous Acrobat!!!

All good nominations, but the Award goes to…

The Hate-Monger revealed as Hitler. The inclusion of an actual historical figure makes the surprise even more epic.

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BIGGEST BOAST BY THE AUTHOR

I always look forward to reading a new comic, because I know the very first thing I’m going to find is a long-winded explanation of why the story I’m about to read is the biggest and bestest of any story that has ever been written in the whole of human history. (And by the way, in the next issue, that story will be touted as even bigger and better!!)

In the category of Biggest Boast By the Author, the nominees are:

• X-Men #1: “And now prepare yourself for one of the most exciting reading experiences of your life! For you are about to enter the fascinating, unpredictable world of…the X-Men!”
• X-Men #2: “Congratulations! You are about to begin a book-length tale which you’ll never forget!”
• Fantastic Four #21: “The editors predict that this is the most unusual, thought-provoking tale you will read this season! We believe you will agree!”
• Tales Of Suspense #48: “This is the type of tale which we honestly believe will become a classic in the years that follow! It has EVERYTHING!”

All of the nominations sound great on the surface, but the Award goes to…

X-Men #2. A deeper look at the other claims reveals “weasel words,” like “we believe,” “we predict,” and “ONE of the most,” rather than THE most. But in X-Men #2, the authors unabashedly state you WILL NEVER forget this tale. They don’t just believe it, or predict it, they GUARANTEE it.

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BEST QUOTE

A snappy sentence now and then can go a long way as the icing on the cake of an enjoyable read.

In the category of Best Quote, the nominees are:

• The narrator finishing up the Spider-Man origin story: “With great power comes great responsibility”
• Rama Tut, the time-traveling Pharaoh: “Yes, I come from the year 3,000…the glorious age of enlightenment, the century of peace and progress, the ultimate in civilization and culture! And I HATED it!”
• Peter Parker in Amazing Spider-Man #5: “I might as well face it! I’ve got nothing but luck…and it’s all BAD!”

And the Award goes to…

The narrator from Amazing Spider-Man #1. I love Rama Tut’s quirky take on Utopia, but nothing beats the “great power/great responsibility” quote when it comes to Marvel Comics. Not only has this become a part of American pop culture, it’s an extremely insightful statement.

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THE TALKY-TALKY AWARD
(OR…ENOUGH ALREADY!)

Marvel writers do a marvelous job. Sometimes so marvelous, they don’t know when to stop. Narrators and characters alike can be so longwinded, you want to scream, “Enough already! Let’s get on with the story.”

In the category of Enough Already! the nominees are:

• Strange Tales #112, where the mighty Thing is reduced to an afterthought nearly buried beneath a tall and heavy word balloon
• X-Men #1, in which the miraculous Magneto talks so much, his word balloon covers almost his entire upper body
• Fantastic Four Annual #1, for Thing complaining that if Reed ever got strapped into the electric chair, he’d “probably be explainin’ how the blamed thing WORKS while they pulled the switch!” and Reed immediately apologizing, “Sorry, Ben–Guess I DO get long-winded sometimes.”

And the Award goes to…

Strange Tales #112. Love the self-awareness of the “long-winded” tendency in FF Annual #1, but the strongest visual impact is made when Thing is nearly crushed by the weight of his own words.

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MOST INSPIRATIONAL MOMENT

Comics thrill us, excite us, titillate us. But who’s to say there can’t be a hint of edification and motivation tucked into these adventures? Twelve cents for a giant-sized can of “Can-Do”? What a bargain!

In the category of Most Inspirational Moment, the nominees are:

• In Amazing Spider-Man #3, when Johnny Storm lectures school kids to do their best and not be discouraged, Peter Parker glows with determination
• In Journey Into Mystery #88, Don Blake snaps his fingers, proclaiming, “That’s the answer! It’ll work! I’m CERTAIN of it!”
• In Fantastic Four #1, when the Four name themselves and put their hands together, Reed announces, “And I’ll call myself…Mister Fantastic!”

And the Award goes to…

Johnny Storm and Peter Parker. Teenagers giving good advice to teenagers, what could possibly be more inspirational than that? And in case you didn’t get it, note the physical glow of determination that surrounds Parker once Torch relights his fire!

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MOST POLITE WAY TO AVOID CURSING

It’s the 60’s, and comics are kid-friendly, so it stands to reason that even in moments of the greatest anger and stress, our characters can’t say what real people would say. No problem! Marvel writers have worked out some marvelous ways to avoid cursing, and still get the point across.

In the category of Most Polite Way to Avoid Cursing, the nominees are:

• “For the love of Asgard!!” as uttered by Thor in Journey into Mystery #95
• “Holy Hannah!” usually exclaimed by the disbelieving public
• “*!!MMPPFF!!! GRRMMPFF!! *!!*!!?!” J. Jonah Jameson’s reaction to Spider-Man’s web gag in Amazing Spider-Man #7
• “Bah!” The universal proclamation of disgust and contempt, used at one time or another by almost every Marvel character from the Incredible Hulk right down to Willie Lumpkin, the mailman

And the Award goes to…

BAH!! Such economy of language, such strength of emotion in a single syllable! Not only that, but the literary connection to Charles Dickens’ Ebenezer Scrooge lifts “Bah!” to a level of elegance achieved by few other words in the Marvel Universe.

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And speaking of curses…Curses! We’re almost done! I’ve been having so much fun with these Awards, but all good things must come to an end. You’ll be happy to know, however, that I’ve saved the best for last: tomorrow, I’ll take a good long look at the invaluable contributions of the Marvel bullpen artists. Join me then for the final fantastic installment of these Marvelous Awards!!