THE MARVELOUS AWARDS: THE SILVER AGE AWARDS

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

The Marvel superheroes (unlike the villains) were all very good sports about yesterday’s awards, more than willing to admit if they had behaved in a less than favorable fashion. Fully supporting my efforts, they have assisted my return to society. Thor flew me back in from my secret location, Mr. Stark had Iron Man pick up his Transistor-Powered Image Projector, and Sue Storm offered to stay with me for a few days, protecting our location with her inpenetrable force field. We passed a pleasant evening like a couple of junior high girls at a sleepover, painting our nails and deep-conditioning our hair, while we discussed the issues of Sue’s public image and love life, as raised in yesterday’s Superhero Awards.

Feeling completely rested, confident and protected, I am now able to proceed with these Marvelous Awards. Our next section: The Silver Age Awards!

THE SILVER AGE AWARDS

The Marvel Universe is a place like no other. In addition, the 1960’s are a time like no other. When the two collide, you get something so unique, its many peculiarities are deserving of special mention.

These Silver Age Awards celebrate those aspects of the first two years of Marvel Comics that so excellently depict this marvelous collision of time and fantasy. If it could only happen within the confines of Marvel’s Silver Age of Comics, then here it is.

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TAKING LIBERTIES BECAUSE WE’RE IN A COMIC BOOK WORLD
AND CAN DO THINGS YOU CAN’T DO IN REAL LIFE

Real life can be a drag. But in the comic book world, anything can happen–and usually does–no CGI required!

In the category of Taking Liberties Because We’re In a Comic Book World and Can Do Things You Can’t Do in Real Life, the nominees are:

• Spidey shoots a web standing on an airplane and hitchhikes a ride on an errant space capsule
• Loki whacks Thor in the chromosomatic gland, causing international chaos
• Thing straps a nuclear bomb on his back with a pair of bedsheets

And the Award goes to…

The chromosomatic gland. The writers of Marvel Comics excel at creating scientific inventions, but muchos kudos for venturing into the world of creative biology!

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WISH WE HAD THAT INVENTION

The creative Q of James Bond legend can’t hold a candle to the vast storehouse of magnificent inventions that have come out of the Silver Age of Marvel Comics. Well, he could try…but it had better be an Electro-Magnetic Transistor-Powered Super-Luminary from the innards of Stark Industries, if he expects to get anywhere near close to seeing the full scope of imaginative Marvel inventions.

In the category of Wish We Had THAT Invention, the nominees are:

• The Flying Bathtu–uh, I mean, the Fantasticar!
• Doctor Doom’s Time Machine
• Ant-Man’s cybernetic helmet
• Spider-Man’s webbing

And the Award goes to…

Doctor Doom’s Time Machine, because…what could possibly be better than a Time Machine?

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WELL, IT IS, AFTER ALL, THE 60’S…

Nostalgia. Ah, the good old days! A perfect blending of 60’s pop culture with mid-century sensibilities gives these Marvel comics a delightful taste of times.

In the category of Well, It Is, After All, The 60’s…, the nominees are:

• Amazing Spider-Man #5, in which J. Jonah Jameson offers a $1,000 reward to anyone who can disclose Spider-Man’s true identity (One THOUSAND dollars?? OOOoooOOO!)
• Journey Into Mystery #96, where JFK and daughter Caroline talk about the pony Macaroni
• Amazing Spider-Man #5 (again), because Aunt May is watching “the cleverest juggling act” on the Ed Sullivan Show

And the Award goes to…

Aunt May! Nothing conjures up the 1960’s like Ed Sullivan.

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BEST USE OF SKY WRITING

Look! Up in the sky! It’s–oops, sorry. Wrong publisher. But that doesn’t mean the inhabitants of the Marvel Universe have no reason to strain their necks, looking upwards. Beside the Fantastic Four’s pogo plane, a leaping Hulk, or occasional alien spaceship, a good amount of sky-writing often takes place. Much to our amusement…

In the category of Best Use of Sky Writing, the nominees are:

• Strange Tales Annual #2: Human Torch invites his teenage rival to join him with a super-sized “Spider-Man let’s work together”
• Strange Tales #112: Torch creates a blazing version of Niagara Falls and signs him name in fire, saying, “My fans oughta get a CHARGE out of THAT!”
• X-Men #1: Magneto signs his name in script: “Surrender the base or I’ll take it by force! Magneto.”

And the Award goes to…

Magneto. Never let it be said Magneto is a villain without style. Extra points for that fancy script signature! I almost expected him to preface it with “Sincerely yours,” but I guess at the last moment he stopped himself, thinking, “Well, wait a minute… I AM a villain…”

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MOST RACIST PORTRAYAL

In the early 1960’s, Civil Rights had not yet come into vogue, and the term “politically correct” had yet to be coined. In this less sensitive era, certain groups often took a beating at the hands of accepted stereotypes, and the creators of the Marvel Universe were no exception when it came to less than flattering portrayals of entire races.

In the category of Most Racist Portrayal, the nominees are:

• Asian characters, like Chinese Communist villain Wong Chu and Professor Yinsen, being portrayed with skin that is actually YELLOW.
• Russians. In every portrayal within the pages of these early Marvel comics, Russians are rude, power-hungry, volatile, and do not seem to possess a single brain among the lot of them.
• The Skrulls. Why are beings from outer space always GREEN?

And the Award goes to…

The artists of Tales of Suspense, Journey into Mystery, and any other titles that used the color yellow to represent the skin tone of Asian characters. The Skrulls are green, because it’s a stereotypical literary staple of the day that this is the actual skin color of aliens (“Little Green Men from Mars”). The Russians are power-hungry and volatile, because these are the personality traits that identify them as villains. But there is no reasonable excuse for actually using the color yellow to represent the skin tone of Asian characters.

Asian skin is not actually yellow, any more than American Indian skin is red, or African-American skin is black. Were the depiction of facial features not enough to alert the reader to the fact that these characters are Asian? If the intent had been to identify these characters with the personality trait of cowardice, surely the artists and writers could have found a more imaginative and less offensive way to do so.

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MOST UNREALISTIC PORTRAYAL OF TEENAGERS

Speaking of stereotypes, Marvel teenagers do not escape. However, it sometimes seems the writers and artists of these early Silver Age comics are stuck in a time warp, remembering what it was like back when they were teenagers…

In the category of Most Unrealistic Portrayal of Teenagers, the nominees are:

• Johnny Storm takes a “doll” on a date wearing a hat and checkered jacket, in Fantastic Four #17
• A Teen Brigade groupie, hearing Rick Jones radio Giant-Man, exclaims, “Wait till I tell the girls at my sewing circle!” (Avengers #2)
• Rick Jones relaxes in his jalopy in the forbidden test area, wearing a green checkered jacket and playing a harmonica, in Hulk #1

And the Award goes to…

Johnny Storm. He and Rick Jones both have the checkered jacket, but nothing sticks out like a sore thumb more than a teenager in a hat like the one your dad used to wear to church. So it’s Johnny Storm, not only for this moment, but for many others when we see him looking suspiciously NOT like a teenager.

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MOST EXOTIC LOCATION

Comic book are limited only by the imaginations of their creators. Sure, a lot of the activity takes place in good ol’ New York City, or the deserts of the Southwest, but that doesn’t mean every location is familiar and mundane. Stretching their creative wings, Marvel Comics will surely visit some of the most exotic and fascinating settings this side of reality.

In the category of Most Exotic Location, the nominees are:

• Namor’s undersea Atlantean kingdom
• Asgard
• The enormous dead city on the Moon

And the Award goes to…

Asgard, because…it’s a magical place.

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MOST BUNGLING LAWMEN
(OR…WHY THE MARVEL UNIVERSE NEEDS SUPERHEROES)

Obviously the ordinary police and military of Marvel Comics can’t be super-efficient…or why would we need superheroes? However, sometimes the thin line between hero and superhero is drawn so widely, we can skip and run across it with no fear of falling, even as we stagger about, laughing ourselves silly.

In the category of Most Bungling Lawmen, the nominees are:

• In Strange Tales #104, the cops get sealed into their car with paste.
• In X-Men #1, when the Military Police are unsuccessful at containing Magneto, and the X-Men show up, after wondering, “Now who or WHAT are the X-Men?” they agree to give them 15 minutes. (“We’ve nothing to lose! But I feel like a danged fool!”)
• In X-Men #2, four heavily armed guards maintain a tense vigil over the nation’s ultra-important continental defense plans…sitting ON TOP OF A DESK!!! They know the villain they are guarding against has the ability to appear instantly from thin air, but don’t bother to lock the valuable plans in the desk drawer.

And the Award goes to…

The armed guards in X-Men #2. If the plan had been to BAIT the villain into an appearance so they could capture him, they could have put fake plans in that briefcase. But NO, those were the actual plans, and they were actually sitting on top of the desk. Sigh…

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THE “DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS” BOOBY PRIZE

Heroes, villains, the general populations: Whether in comics or real life, no one is immune to the occasional snit. However, some Marvel characters show an outstanding lack of interpersonal skills. A Booby Prize is in order!

In the category of the “Does Not Play Well With Others” Booby Prize, the nominees are:

• Doctor Doom, for his uneasy collaboration with Sub-Mariner in Fantastic Four #6 (“I’ve managed to snare the only beings capable of blocking my ambition to rule the entire world! Sub-Mariner never guessed he was included in that group! Now HE’S as helpless as the rest of them!”)
• General Ross for enlisting Thor’s help in testing the C-bomb he hopes to use against Hulk, with no concern for Thor’s safety
• Hulk, for…well…everything

And the Booby Prize goes to…

Hulk. Of course! Ross’ agenda is in the interest of national security, so you could say his priorities demand he do whatever needs to be done. Doom is a first class villain—he’s not expected to play well with others. But at this point in his superhero career, Hulk should have developed more impressive interpersonal skills.

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BEST USE OF THE TIME TRAVEL MOTIF

Like it’s not enough to be living in a comic book world full of superheroes, magic, and sci-fi inventions! Let’s push the envelope by adding the fantasy element of Time Travel. (Now we’re cookin’ with GAS!)

In the category of Best Use of the Time Travel Motif, the nominees are:

• The Sphinx is Rama Tut’s time machine
• Doctor Doom sends the Fantastic Four to pirate times and Thing is Blackbeard
• Thor travels to the future to take on Tomorrow Man

And the Award goes to…

The Fantastic Four in pirate times, if only for that wonderful image of Thing as Blackbeard! Seeing that, I thought, “Suddenly, this all makes sense…”

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THE “WAS THE ASPCA CONSULTED?” BOOBY PRIZE

Bless the beasts and the children. Apparently, not everyone in the Marvel Universe agrees. Some of our characters show outrageous disregard for the four-footed, eight-legged, and the feathered. Time for another Booby Prize!

In the category of the “Was the ASPCA Consulted?” Booby Prize, the nominees are:

• Professor Shapanka tests his invention by freezing an alley cat
• Doctor Doom (disguised as Reed Richards) steals animals from the zoo and miniaturizes them
• Ant-Man uses ants as a landing pad

And the Booby Prize goes to…

Ant-Man. Really, Henry, you’re a HERO, you should know better than to abuse ants, even if they are your servants. When Shapanka is done experimenting on the cat, the feline is “in perfect condition.” No harm comes to the miniaturized animals, and we have to assume that once Reed returns to his own body, he puts them back where they belong. As for Pym’s poor ants, however, I wonder how many were crushed and died simply so Ant Man “couldn’t ask for a softer landing spot!”

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GIRLS GONE WILD

Many Marvel maidens are prim and proper–Jane Foster, Sue Storm, Aunt May. But never let it be said, even in these earliest days of the Silver Age, that Marvel didn’t have it’s fair share of delicious vixens!

In the category of Girls Gone Wild, the nominees are:

• Dorma, Namor’s jilted lover who in a jealous rage, tries to drown Sue Storm
• Kala, the beautiful and strong-willed Queen of the Netherworld
• The overly-flirtatious Wasp

And the Award goes to…

Wasp! She has such a no-holds-barred manner with stuffed-shirt Henry Pym that in time, she will surely wear him down. Kala and Dorma both have very specific agendas, but fail. On the other hand, I feel certain Wasp will not fail. I have to wonder if the Wasp’s persistent flirtations had anything to do with Ant-Man deciding to morph himself into the new hero, Giant-Man? Was the little Wasp more woman than tiny Ant-Man could handle? You go, girl!

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MOST DRAMATIC FANTASTIC FOUR “DAMSEL IN DISTRESS” MOMENT

Without drama, there is no story. And certainly, the no-doubt largely male audience of Marvel’s Silver Age took exceptional delight in stories where a “Damsel in Distress” was rescued by a gallant hero. Strap in tight, girls! You’re about to be “Damsel-fied!”

In the category of Most Dramatic Fantastic Four “Damsel In Distress” Moment, the nominees are:

• Sue is magnetically attached to the Red Ghost’s orangutan: “I can’t move! I’m completely helpless!” in Fantastic Four #13
• Sue is kidnapped by Namor, and nearly drowned by his jealous girlfriend Dorma, in Fantastic Four Annual #1
• Blind Alicia is lifted through the air on a strange grappler wave and taken to Doctor Doom’s incredible floating laboratory, where she is held prisoner, in Fantastic Four #17

And the Award goes to…

Alicia. Four words: Blind. Floating. Laboratory. Prisoner. Oh, and did I happen to mention: the demented Doctor Doom?

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MOST ROMANTIC DATE

Since this is the Girl’s View of the Marvel Universe, I couldn’t get through these awards without a nod towards some of the most romantic dates in the earliest books of the Silver Age. Sure, our heroes can subdue super-villains and restore order to the metropolis. But how good are they at the really important stuff…like winning a girl’s heart?

In the category of Most Romantic Date, the nominees are:

• Namor and Sue dine at a fashionable Hollywood nightclub, in Fantastic Four #9.
• Henry and Janet spend a night on the town, listening to jazz music. Henry looks dapper, smoking his pipe, and Janet is shapely and feminine in her tight fitting dress, in Tales To Astonish #47.
• Though it’s not actually a “date,” in Amazing Spider-Man #7, at the end, Peter and Betty sit together on the floor of the Daily Bugle office and make goo-goo eyes at each other.

And the Award goes to…

Namor and Sue. Sub-Mariner cleans up nicely, don’t you think, once you get him out of those swimming trunks? And what girl wouldn’t want to be wooed at a Hollywood nightclub?

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MOST GRUESOME TRANSFORMATION

Uggh! Aaaaargh!!! Not every make-over is pretty.

In the category of Most Gruesome Transformation, the nominees are:

• Bruce Banner to Hulk
• Ben Grimm to Thing
• Skrulls

And the Award goes to…

Ben Grimm. Grimm starts out as such a handsome fellow, and Thing is so ugly. Sure, Hulk is nothing to look at, but at least he still retains more of a semblance of humanity in his appearance. As for the Skrulls, they just go from bad to worse. But Grimm’s story is the most tragic and…ahem…grim.

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Coming Attractions…

Of course, I am no longer grim, being well-taken care of and protected by the Marvel superheroes. My trepidation regarding overly-sensitive super-villains is quelled, and I’m ready to go on with more awards!

In the next couple of days, I’ll be taking a look from the other side of the magical plane that separates the Marvel Universe from our own: first the writers, then the artists. What? You didn’t actually think all this magic just happens without the hard work and dedication of many magicians?

Tune in tomorrow for further adventures in the MARVELOUS AWARDS!!