THE MARVELOUS AWARDS: SUPERHERO AWARDS

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

SUPERHERO AWARDS

Gratefully, I have made it through another day and night without incident, and am now transmitting these awards from a secret location. I can’t tell you exactly where I am, only that because Tony Stark has lent me his super-fantastic Transistor-Powered Image Projector (Avengers #3), just for this occasion, I have every confidence these transmissions will make it through sub-space interference. So, even though I cannot be with you in person, I am certainly with you in spirit.

I imagine every Marvel superhero will puff up with pride to find themselves in this next batch of awards. Because that’s just the kind of swell people they are. And even if they don’t win, I’m sure they will feel honored simply to have been nominated.

And if, perchance, I’ve left anyone out (and with the vast library of superhero exploits, even to this point, I wouldn’t be at all surprised), then my sincerest apologies are extended. But remember, folks, this is only the beginning! Every one of our Marvel superheroes has done an admirable job in their origin story, and is even now sharpening their skills for future fights against evil.

But because these superheroes never rest in their toils, they don’t have a lot of time to sit around contemplating their belly buttons. So, let’s get on with this show, so we can get the good guys out of here and back to work!

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MOST INNOVATIVE SUPERHERO COSTUME

Clothes make the man. And in the case of superheroes, super costumes make the superman. (Please forgive the unintentional DC slip…) We just saw how Mr. Doll thought he could get away with adding an unadorned jester’s cap to his blue jeans and jacket and still be considered an awesome super-villain (Oof! I’ve done it again! I can’t seem to stop insulting these super-villains!) but our superheroes know better than that. You’ve got to have an outfit that is not only fantastic, but also fully-functional, if you want to be taken seriously as a Marvel superhero.

In the category of Most Innovative Superhero Costume, the nominees are:

• Iron Man’s collapsible armor that fits in his attaché case
• The Fantastic Four’s matching blue suits of unstable molecules
• Spider-Man’s aerodynamic costume with underarm webbing, that he wears like a second skin under his street clothes

A difficult choice, but the Award goes to…

The Fantastic Four! Being able to fit an entire suit of armor in an attaché case is truly impressive, but unstable molecules win this one. Iron man’s costume is James Bond technology, but unstable molecules–that’s Star Trek technology!

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MOST ANGST-RIDDEN SUPERHERO

Having superpowers is apparently no guarantee of superior ability to deal effectively with life’s every day troubles and traumas. In fact, observing some of our Marvel heroes, we might almost conclude that “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

In the category of Most Angst-Ridden Superhero, the nominees are:

• Sue Storm, for being unable to decide if she loves Reed Richards or Namor: Sub-Mariner: Monarch of Atlantis
• Hulk, for always being thought of as the bad guy, even when he tries to do good
• Peter Parker, for having money troubles, girl troubles, bully troubles, AND having to worry about J. Jonah Jameson disgracing his superhero alter ego in the press

All good contenders, but the Award goes to…

Peter Parker! It could have been a three-way tie, but Parker gets extra points for being a TEENAGER. Because, after all, what’s more angsty than a teenager?

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HEROES BEHAVING BADLY

We all have our bad days, and superheroes are no exception. Of course, some of us have more bad days than others… There were so many nominations in this category, I just couldn’t cut them down to three. And I’m sure you can think of many more. Here’s just the cream of the crop.

In the category of Heroes Behaving Badly, the nominees are:

• Thor calls Heimdall a “flunky” and punches him in the kisser (while under Loki’s hypnotic influence)
• Hulk gets annoyed and insults an airline stewardess (because he’s Hulk)
• Torch and Thing engage in shenanigans that destroy portions of the Baxter Building and ruin Sue’s expensive “original creation” clothing, then blame each other and say it was an accident
• Beast steals a kiss from Jean Grey, whom he’s just met (and gets slapped for it!)
• Thor “raises his hammer” to Odin as they argue about whether or not he will be permitted to marry Jane Foster
• The Fantastic Four fight each other under the spell of the Hate Monger’s Hate Ray

And the Award goes to…

Torch and Thing. Actually, there are plenty of incidents where Torch and Thing engage in childish shenanigans, but in Fantastic Four Annual #1, they seem determined to outdo themselves. And they succeed. They can’t use the excuse of being under a spell, or hypnosis, or overcome by despair. They’re simply acting like idiots.

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BEST POUT BY A SUPERHERO

Earlier, we saw how well our super-villains pout. Let’s see if the superheroes can keep pace…

In the category of Best Pout By a Superhero, the nominees are:

• Johnny Storm, for getting mad at his teammates and running away to the Bowery
• Peter Parker, in the Spider-Man origin story, for sobbing, “Some day I’ll show them! some day they’ll be sorry! Sorry that they laughed at me!”
• Sue Storm, for taking fan mail way too seriously and crying, “A number of fans have said that I don’t contribute enough…you’d be better off without me! And perhaps they’re right!”

And the Award goes to…

Peter Parker again! And again, I refer to his being a teenager. There’s something about a teenage boy “sobbing” and thinking, “Someday they’ll be sorry!” that’s both heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time.

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MOST GRATUITOUS USE OF SUPERPOWERS

Two words: Chandler’s Computer. With that in mind, let us proceed to our next award:

In the category of Most Gratuitous Use of Superpowers, the nominees are:

• Iron Man juggles cars for the entertainment of orphans
• Iceman jokes around and turns himself into a snowman
• Human Torch creates a blazing version of Niagara Falls and signs his name in fire in the sky, saying, “My fans oughta get a CHARGE out of THAT!”

And the Award goes to…

Iceman! Iron Man is at least performing a philanthropic act, and you could say that Torch’s skywriting is PR, but there’s no excuse for Iceman. Extra points for the exceptionally goofy-looking snowman.

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MOST PHILANTHROPIC ACT BY A SUPERHERO
OUTSIDE THE LINE OF DUTY

Not every use of superpowers “outside the line of duty” is necessarily gratuitous. With hearts as big and strong as the ever-lovin’ Thing, many a superhero (or superheroine) is more than happy to employ their special gifts for the public good. It’s this concern for people in general that makes their superheroism truly impressive.

In the category of Most Philanthropic Act By a Superhero Outside the Line of Duty, the nominees are:

• Mr. Fantastic, who stretches across town to visit sick Tommy in the hospital
• Invisible Girl, who visits an orphanage
• Iron Man, who juggles cars at a performance for an orphanage

And the Award goes to…

Iron Man gets the nod this time, because not only is he reaching out to multiple children at the same time (whereas Reed is only visiting one child), but juggling cars trumps invisibility–or any other “entertainment” Sue is likely to do for orphans.

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SEXIEST TONY STARK MOMENT

Okay. The Tony Stark of these early comics is no Robert Downey Jr., but he has his moments.

In the category of Sexiest Tony Stark Moment, the nominees are:

• Tales of Suspense #39, where Stark is introduced to the comic book world as “both a sophisticate and a scientist! A millionaire bachelor as much at home in a laboratory as in high society!”
• Tales of Suspense #48, where Tony speeds in his convertible, with a white scarf blowing behind him in the wind, a lock of hair falling over his forehead
• Tales of Suspense #45, where Stark drives a race car…really, really fast!

And the Award goes to…

Tales of Suspense #48. Hair. Scarf. Need I say more?

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SQUAREST JAW ON A SUPERHERO

Hair. Scarf. Well, wait. There’s one more thing that needs to be said. You can’t be a superhero if you don’t have a square jaw. The Square Jaw is the defining characteristic of a Manly-Man, which is the defining characteristic of a superhero.

In the category of Squarest Jaw on a Superhero, the nominees are:

• Thor
• Tony Stark (with an Honorable Mention for “Hair so Black, it’s Blue”)
• Henry Pym/Ant Man

And the Award goes to…

Thor! He’s looking very handsome here. And if an Asgardian god doesn’t have a square jaw, then who does?

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Coming Attractions…

Okay! I’ve made it through another session of the Marvelous Awards! What do you think? Did I leave anybody out? At least with the superheroes, if they are offended, they might only go off in a corner and sulk for a short while, rather than threaten me with bodily harm.

Anyway, tomorrow should be interesting, as I break from character evaluation (or assassination, as the case might be…) to take a broad look at the Silver Age of Comics.

I hope you’ll join me, as I laud and honor the greatest moments of a time and place that is like no other in the real or fictional world, with my own peculiar brand of MARVELOUS AWARDS!!