THE MARVELOUS AWARDS: VILLAIN AWARDS

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

VILLAIN AWARDS

When I left you at the end of yesterday’s Supporting Cast Awards, I recognized that some of the super-villains who are about to receive awards in this next installment of The Marvelous Awards may take exception to my opinions. I passed a sleepless night, wondering if I ought to risk putting myself in personal danger, but then decided…no! The truth must be told! And so, without further ado, let us proceed to the most trepidatious part of these awards: the very best and the very worst of Marvel’s Super-Villains!

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UGLIEST VILLAIN

And so I begin right away to bruise some super-egos. Because surely nobody wants to be called “ugly,” not even super-villains. Villains may aspire to a fearsome and intimidating appearance, but would prefer to leave the tag of “ugly” for their opponents and pocketbook-sized pets with little or no hair. Yet I find there are far too many villains who personify the definition of “ugly,” but here I will only mention a few of the top contenders.

In the category of Ugliest Villain, the nominees are:

• Mole Man
• Puppet Master
• Vanisher

And the Award goes to…

The Puppet Master, for the odd combination of teeth and long eyelashes. eerrrhew!

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MOST INNOVATIVE SUPER-VILLAIN COSTUME

They say that clothes make the man, and in the case of a good super-villain, that’s doubly so! A good costume not only sets the villain apart from his cohorts visually, but also aids him in his criminal pursuits.

In the category of Most Innovative Super-Villain Costume, the nominees are:

• Porcupine
• Chameleon, with his multi-pocket disguise vest
• Vulture

And the Award goes to…

The Porcupine. I’ve never been impressed by the Vulture, and the Chameleon’s vest is just a tad more sophisticated than my junior high Home-Ec sewing project. But Porcupine manages to incorporate multiple threats within his needles, and the whole business seems so organic, so natural, you’d almost believe he is a porcupine!

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GOOFIEST SUPER-VILLAIN COSTUME

And then there’s the other side of the coin. The guy in the neighborhood costume shop who designed these outfits for his customer had best be looking over his shoulder. He’s in trouble for making his client look like a doofus.

In the category of Goofiest Super-Villain Costume, the nominees are:

• Paste Pot Pete’s artistic clown outfit
• The Hate-Monger’s giant “H” tunic and KKK mask
• Mr. Doll’s jester headpiece over blue jeans and green jacket
• Loki’s scaly yellow underpants

And the Award goes to…

Pete! Any time we mention the word “goofy,” Paste Pot Pete has to be in the conversation. Extra points for keeping his opponents off guard, wondering if ol’ Pete is heading to the battlefield, or hoping to join the circus. “A” for effort to Loki and The Hate-Monger for attempting to keep up, but a failing grade to Mr. Doll, who isn’t even trying.

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BEST USE OF DISGUISE BY A SUPER-VILLAIN

In contrast to the flamboyant super-villains who want you to take notice, others pride themselves on the ability to blend in, transform themselves, or disappear altogether. When the disguise appears to be no disguise at all, then the use of disguise is most effective.

In the category of Best Use of Disguise by a Super-Villain, the nominees are:

• The Space Phantom, who sends his victims to Limbo while he impersonates them
• The Chameleon, whose entire superpower is based on impersonation
• The Actor, who can manipulate his rubbery face to resemble almost anyone with the aid of a little make-up

And the Award goes to…

The Space Phantom, because he accomplishes his trickery by mystical means, so that his victims are “banished to Limbo, the silent world between shadow and substance.” The others rely too much on “substance,” needing makeup and clothing to complete their task. Too slow! Too awkward!

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WIMPIEST VILLAIN

Super-villains, like schoolyard bullies, have egos the size of Montana, sometimes leading them to think they’re the most fearsome entity on the planet. Sadly for them, when someone eventually stands up to them, reality soon sets in…

In the category of Wimpiest Villain, the nominees are:

• Gargoyle in Hulk #1: “I’d give ANYTHING to be normal! Anything!”
• The Skrulls in Fantastic Four #2: “We hate being Skrulls! We’d rather be anything else!”
• Stone Men of Saturn in Journey Into Mystery #83: “Back!! Back to the ships at once!! We must FLEE this accursed planet!!”

And the Award goes to…

The Skrulls. I understand the Skrulls will go on to provide a serious challenge to our stable of superheroes, but here in Fantastic Four #2, there is nothing wimpier than hating yourself so much, you would rather be a cow.

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MOST FEARSOME VILLAIN

And then there are the truly fearsome evildoers. These guys are sometimes more powerful than even they realize. If they ever learn to get past those pesky super-villain tropes (like placing the heroes in intricate death traps, instead of–you know—killing them), then the world’s in real trouble.

In the category of Most Fearsome Villain, the nominees are:

• The Sandman, because “Nothing Can Stop The Sandman!”
• Super Skrull, because he possesses “all the powers of the Fantastic Four…and even more!”
• Doctor Doom…do I even need to give a reason?

And the Award obviously goes to…

Doctor Doom, of course. Unlike the Super Skrull, he has not yet been vanquished, and unlike the Sandman, his evil motives are not as pedestrian as quick cash. He desires evil and mayhem on a large scale, and no matter how many times the Fantastic Four thwart him, he keeps coming back for more.

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BEST USE OF HYPNOSIS BY A SUPER-VILLAIN

Look into my eyes! You are getting sleepy…sleepy… But there’s no falling asleep for the reader, when a super-villain applies the powerful trick of hypnosis to his victims. Some of the most unsettling stories often involve loss of will, through this dangerous, mystical means.

In the category of Best Use of Hypnosis by a Super-Villain, the nominees are:

• The Ringmaster, who employs mass hypnosis to rob circus patrons
• Trago the musician, who hypnotizes his audience so he can steal their valuables
• Loki, who controls Thor by use of his powers

And the Award goes to…

Loki, for recognizing that he who controls Thor controls the elements, and thus acquires a treasure much more valuable than any amount of cash and jewelry. Trago and the Ringmaster are simply thinking too small.

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MOST TOUCHING VILLAIN BACKSTORY

We’ve often heard that every cloud has a silver lining. In the same way, we might say that every super-villain has a softer, more sensitive side. Well, some of them, anyway…With a select few, we’ve been made privy to extremely touching backstories—the kind that make us want to give that super-villain a great big hug and say, “You poor thing! Don’t worry…everything’s going to be okay…”

In the category of Most Touching Villain Backstory, the nominees are:

• Dr. Curt Connors, aka the Lizard, who, after losing his arm in the war, seeks the secret to regenerating lost limbs, not only for himself, but for all mankind
• Namor, whose parents are star-crossed lovers, a human sea captain and Atlantean princess
• The Mole Man, who is shunned by society for being ugly

And the Award goes to…

Curt Connors, because he has the most noble intentions, with no desire to be a villain. He is a victim of his own scientific philanthropy. The fact that his wife and child must cope with his transformation only makes his story more touching.

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WIMPIEST MOTIVATION FOR BECOMING A VILLAIN

Very little is random in the Marvel Universe. Both superheroes and super-villains alike have intensely personal reasons for doing what they do. Sometimes their reasons make sense to us, other times…not so much. And sometimes we find that the biggest villains are also the biggest babies.

In the category of Wimpiest Motivation for Becoming a Villain, the nominees are:

• In Strange Tales #111, Mordo is jealous that The Ancient One likes Dr. Strange better than him, so he wants to kill them both
• In Strange Tales #111, Professor Kasloff is annoyed that his employer is profiting off his great scientific intellect to get rich, while he works for a pittance
• In Fantastic Four #1, the Mole Man turns against society because women won’t date him and employers won’t give him a job

And the Award goes to…

Professor Kasloff. Really, Kasloff? You’re not the first guy this has happened to. The world’s not fair, boo hoo?? Get a grip and get over it!

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MOST OBVIOUS COMMIE SPY

Oh, those Commies! It’s the 60’s, and the Cold War is as icy as Jane Foster chiding Dr. Blake for deserting her in a time of danger (but thank goodness Thor was there). We love to hate those Commies, and honestly, sometimes in Marvel comics, those Commines are so stupid and obvious, we can’t help but laugh at them—most derisively!

In the category of Most Obvious Commie Spy, the nominees are:

• Dr. Bruce Banner’s lab assistant, Igor
• Card-carrying Commie Karl Kort
• Comrade X

And the Award goes to…

Card-carrying Commie Karl Kort. Because “card-carrying” is NOT a euphemism. He is ACTUALLY carrying a card that identifies him as a Communist–while working on a U.S. military base!!

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MOST RIDICULOUS SUPER-VILLAIN NAME

Surely there is no lack of dreadful, portentous and threatening words in the English language. You’d think the easiest (and most fun) part of being a super-villain would be in choosing an ominous moniker. If so, why do so many fail so miserably at this simple task?

In the category of Most Ridiculous Super-Villain Name, the nominees are:

• Mr. Doll
• The Puppet Master
• The Terrible Tinkerer

And the Award goes to…

The Tinkerer! I know Stan loves alliteration, and here it works its magic with the term “Terrible Tinkerer.” There’s something supremely ridiculous about combining the word “terrible” with “tinker.” The only thing that could make this more outrageous would be if the Tinkerer’s given name was Timmy Tuttle, an eighty-year-old man with a weak bladder.

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BEST POUT BY A SUPER-VILLAIN

We expect our villains to threaten, pontificate and generally behave in a most disagreeable manner. What we don’t expect is to see them whining, pouting, and acting like spoiled children. Yet, there is no lack of crabby self-loathing among this select group.

In the category of Best Pout By a Super-Villain, the nominees are:

• The Red Barbarian knocks out the bearer of bad news with a side of ham from his lunch plate
• Doctor Doom looks in the mirror and exclaims, “I alone must hide like a dark wraith from the sight of my fellow man!”
• Kurrgo from the Planet X gets left behind, whining, “Wait! I can’t give up my dream of absolute power!”

And the Award goes to…

Doctor Doom, for the added touch of melodrama. The Red Barbarian is merely a barbarian, and Kurrgo is small and selfish. But Doom doesn’t do anything small or mean unless it’s for a REALLY good reason.

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Coming Attractions…

So there you have it! Those are my Super-Villain Awards. And remember: if you have anything to add, or any comments, please feel free!

Equally important: If I’ve offended any super-villains, I sincerely apologize, and remind you that at this very moment Reed Richards and Tony Stark are collaborating on a top secret device that can nullify a super-villain’s super-powers from a thousand miles away, within the blink of an eye. Oh! And did I mention that Bruce Banner is consulting? And Spider-Man is providing the super-elastic webbing that will ultimately cause the entire contraption to function like a dream?

So! Lots and lots of threats to the world of super-villiandom at the moment, you don’t really have time to exact any revenge on little ol’ me…
I’ll be checking in with you all tomorrow (hopefully…) from a clandestine location for the next installment of the Marvelous Awards, when we take a look at that category of character that makes the Marvel Universe truly marvelous: Superheroes! So join me then for more MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

And in the meantime….peace and goodwill… to all…