FANTASTIC FOUR #30: How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Published: September, 1964

This story grabbed me almost from the start. I say almost, because it grabbed me on the splash, not the cover. On the cover, we see the villain, dealing with all four Fantastics with one dramatic flourish of his arms. Yeah, that’s good, I suppose, but…Diablo? Really? He has the horns, but the obligatory purple and green of his costume does not suggest a demon. What’s going on here? Thing looks sort of odd. Is he sick? Or being healed? I want to know more, so I turn the page.

TRAVEL TO EXOTIC PLACES…
Now I’m interested. First, because the narrator tells us the FF are on vacation, and I know from past experience that any time superheroes take a vacation, mayhem ensues. Their vacations are not like ours. If skiing in Aspen, they’ll encounter the Abominable Snowman. If traveling to the tropics, you can bet they’ll have a run-in with some mad Commie dictator. They may start off with sand and surf, but end up saving the world.

But then it gets even better. Forget the tropics! The FF have chosen to holiday in scenic Transylvania. A big fan of Dark Shadows and all vampire lore, I’m immediately intrigued by this odd location. Actually, I’m sort of disappointed we didn’t run into an actual vampire here in Transylvania. But then it’s only 1964, and Dark Shadows has not yet cast its first shadow on Dan Curtis’ imagination, so Marvel still has plenty of time to jump on that bandwagon. But you’ve got to admit, getting out of NYC and into this crazy, overgrown forest, and gothic abandoned castle—oh, what fun!

I wonder who picked this travel destination. My first thought is Reed. He’s just enough of a Type A workaholic personality, and certainly smart enough, to figure out that if you vacation in Transylvania, there’s a higher than average probability something dangerous is going to happen. Your superhero services will be required, allowing you the welcome respite of putting your “vacation” on hold so you can get back to the kind of high energy activities that truly interest you the most.

And of course that’s exactly what happens.

OH, THE ANGST!
The four find an abandoned castle in the middle of a spooky overgrown forest. Along comes the Mayor of Transylvania (or actually “mayer of this territory,” but then, hey…we’re in Transylvania, who are we to quibble with local government structure? Or spelling?). The mayor tells the unnerving tale of Diablo, an evil alchemist, sealed up within this castle these many years, who may or may not have discovered the secret of prolonging human life, and therefore may or may not still live to menace society, should some unwitting soul ever be tricked into letting him escape.

Thing is that unwitting soul. Retiring to bed that evening, he sinks into a pit of despair, once again doubting Alicia’s love. “How could ANYONE miss an ugly creep like ME??” In the last issue of FF, Thing and Alicia professed their undying devotion to each other, so I thought that was all settled. But I guess there are some things even the love of a good woman can’t overcome.

And Diablo is no fool. He takes one good look at Thing, recognizes the ironically weak link in the chain, and knows immediately what he needs to do to get this guy on his side. He lures Thing to his castle, and the moment Thing frees him with one mighty clobber of his rocky arms, Diablo offers Thing a sip of a potion that makes him…well, if you believe Thing, he’s now “gorgeous,” but I have to stop here for that old platitude: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Sure, Thing looks better, marginally more human, but by no stretch of the imagination is he gorgeous.

But Thing is hooked, signed on the dotted line. He’ll serve Diablo for one year, then get the remainder of the potion, which will complete his transformation into one gorgeous human hunk of manhood. Which, he feels, will somehow permit him to marry Alicia—whom, you’ll remember, is blind, and will never see how “gorgeous” he has become, and by the way, loves him just the way he is.

Go figure.

THERE AND BACK AGAIN
So, we’re all set now for the super-villain shenanigans! With Thing as his bodyguard/assistant, Diablo bursts upon the world scene, offering miracle potions that do everything from fertilizing deserts to granting immortality. He’s the man of the hour…until Reed Richards discovers that these miraculous cures are only temporary. Then it all falls apart.

Thing reverts to his customary “full ugly” and is forced to exclaim, “Reed was RIGHT all the time!” He turns on the evil Diablo, who immobilizes him with fumes. Diablo fights the other three with his “Stun Shower,” which releases a high pressure spay of chemicals to incapacitate one’s enemies. Of course, if the Invisible Girl happens to be your enemy and can get to the flexible hose in time, it’s just as easy for the “Stun Shower” to incapacitate your own army. When you think of it, this is an extremely dangerous device. I only wish it had a more imposing name that did not include the word “shower.”

Eventually Diablo gets the upper hand and encases all four superheroes in “escape-proof cylinders.” From which Thing quickly escapes. To make a long story short, as Thing fights Diablo, the others also escape their escape-proof cylinders, making it safely out of the crumbling castle. Torch fuses the wreckage together so Diablo can never menace mankind again.

So there you have it: “How I Spent My Summer Vacation…in TRANSYLVANIA.” On one level, a cautionary tale about the dangers of traveling abroad; on another, a wonderfully emotional tribute to Thing’s inner angst. However, even though his participation in these events is almost perfunctory, my most fascinating observations are about Reed. He doesn’t do anything spectacular (just the usual scientific genius stuff, accompanied by a healthy dose of do-gooder), but several of his actions here solidify for me who this Reed Richard really is.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO REED RICHARDS
First, there’s this: Always a stickler for going by the book, though circumstances are dire, Reed insists they can’t attack Diablo until he actually breaks a law. And so they wait, and wait, sitting on their hands. Then, suddenly, when Diablo’s cures prove to be short-lived, the U.N. decides the villain’s sole aim has all along been nothing short of world conquest. With the U.N.’s declaration behind them, Reed declares NOW is the time to act.

Never mind the U.N.’s drastic jump in logic from “hoaxer with defective products” to “super-villain seeks to destroy mankind,” (though admittedly, the name “Diablo” comes down squarely in the second column). Still, I have to ask: what law has been broken? Shoddy workmanship? LYING?? Is that illegal? Reed seems to think so. At least if the U.N. is selling it, Reed’s buying.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO REED RICHARDS PART II
You know that old saying about what’s good for the goose? Well, it cracks me up that Reed instructs Sue not to talk, so Johnny can concentrate on accomplishing the task at hand…then immediately follows his command with an 18-word explanation about why she needs to keep quiet!

In the next panel, Johnny gives up, exclaiming, “It’s no use!” I have to wonder if Reed’s chatterboxing caused Johnny to lose his concentration.

AND ONE MORE THING ABOUT REED
Last time I noted that Reed felt compelled to instruct Sue to use her force field to provide a layer of protection, as if Sue couldn’t think of that herself. But early in this story, nobody has to tell Sue to deploy her force field to help her brother, and later she also encloses herself to protect against the rushing troops. And she thinks of this all on her own!

Of course, Reed doesn’t appear to be anywhere in the vicinity while these two incidents take place. However, on page 21, Reed is back to his commandeering self, once again instructing Sue on how to use her superpowers. I’m starting to think this has nothing to do with a 1960’s sexist view of a girl’s ability to use her superpowers, and everything to do with Reed Richards’ controlling personality.

MORE FOUR!
This was a simple yet fun story that yielded much in the way of understanding the psyches of our favorite four. Heck! I didn’t even get to mention my observations about Torch. When voices are heard behind the wall, Torch immediately exclaims, “That means it’s time for the Torch to Flame On!” Which leads to the obvious question: why do voices behind a wall automatically lead to the need to flame on? Is Torch exceptionally paranoid, or is he just looking for any excuse to show off?

Personally, I think Torch enjoys being a bit of a show off.

And we’ll get to see more of Torch’s show-off-ism, and everyone else’s quirky personality traits a little later this month, because it’s time for another FF Annual! So I’ll leave you now, to ponder the marvels of the Marvelous Zone, while I get back to my reading.