Awards: Villains

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

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THE SUPER-VILLAIN AWARDS

Last time we looked at the Supporting Cast members, who are generally a genial group of folks. Now, we turn our attention to the Villains! Yes, let’s do that right away, and get it over with, so we can quickly turn our minds back to more pleasant matters.

Our marvelous heroes have a ton of thanks to heap upon this early hodgepodge of villains. And so do we, because frankly, without villains, heroes would be deadly dull. There are only so many times we can abide Thor rescuing a stranded kitty from a high branch, or Iron Man entertaining orphans by juggling automobiles. Heroes need real work to do, and that’s what our villains provide.

And so, we are proud to present The Marvelous Awards: Villains!

UGLIEST VILLAIN

With the occasional exception of a deceptively beautiful femme fatale, villains tend to be ugly creatures. Some more than others.

In the category of Ugliest Villain, the nominees are…

• Mister Hyde, always a thorn in Thor’s side

• The Vulture, a veritable pain in Spider-Man’s you-know-what

• Asgardian Trolls

• Warthog with a hammer

And the Award goes to…

Sorry, Vulture, you’re just an old man with wings, and trolls of course are supposed to be ugly. As for the warthog, Russ nominated him, but I think the warthog looks rather fetching in his metallic blue suit. So…the Award goes to Mister Hyde! After all, isn’t that the whole point of his shtick? Sure, he has super-strength, but so do a lot of other villains. It’s Hyde’s unique combination of super-strength and super-ugliness that makes his villainy that much more loathsome.

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THE MWAH HAHAHAHA! AWARD FOR THE GLOATING VILLAIN

But of course, looks aren’t everything. Like the homely girl who is praised for having “a great personality,” true villainy is much more about attitude than appearance. And one skill any good villain must perfect is the Villainous Gloat. The Supporting Characters had their own Gloating Award, but honestly, no one gloats as enthusiastically as a Super-Villain. After all, if you aren’t having an absolute blast lording it over your opponents, you might as well stay home and wash your hair (or fangs, or weapons, or magical talisman).

In the category of MWAH HAHAHAHA! Gloating Villain, the nominees are…

• The Owl, for his apparent glee over Daredevil’s surrender:

• Diablo, for this classic villainous taunt:

• Hawkeye, for also making good use of the word “sneer”:

• Dr. Doom, for being satisfied with no less than all:

• And Loki, who dreams big:

And the Award goes to…

Dr. Doom! Actually, it’s a toss-up between Doom and Loki, because they’re both thinking HUGE, seeking to rule an entire civilization/world. But Doom edges out Loki, because somehow he gets his metal mouth to assume the appearance of a sneering smile. That can’t be easy.

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THE “BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR…” AWARD

Villains do indeed have big dreams and want it all, but sometimes their enthusiasm backfires. Let’s consider for a moment our nominees.

In the category Be Careful What You Wish For, the nominees are…

• The Beetle goes past “Maximum Output” with his electronic power source and nearly kills himself

• The Wizard uses an anti-gravity device to escape from Torch, but it takes him so high, there’s no air left to breathe

• After Beast shoots Unus the Untouchable with a power-increasing gun, Unus quickly discovers he can’t touch anything, not even his beloved cigarettes

These are all great examples of the need to be careful what you wish for!

But the Award goes to…

Unus, if only because his predicament so closely mirrors that of mythical King Midas. In comics, evoking the classics is always good for a few extra points.

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BEST HANDS

Villains tend to be expressive in so many ways, not least of which is their flamboyantly animated attention to detail when waving their hands about.

In the category of Best Hands, the nominees are…

• Enchantress, Zemo and Executioner, for providing such artistic flair to the cover of Avengers #7:

• Loki, for keeping pace with the talented Dr. Strange in Strange Tales #123:

• Scarlet Witch, for freeing brother Pietro with a hex from her red-gloved hand:

And the Award goes to…

Loki and Dr. Strange! I can’t help it! I am eternally a fan of the Strange / Loki disco dancing sequence!

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MOST PATHETIC SPIDER-MAN JAIL SCENE

Not all villains come to a good end. Come to think of it, very few do. Best case scenario, they run away, and live to fight another day. But what could be more embarrassing than being captured by the cops and sent to prison…especially if teenage Spider-Man is the one that sends you there? That happens a lot.

In the category of Most Pathetic Spider-Man Jail Scene, the nominees are…

• Mysterio ends his adventures with his head hung low in the police station. So sad.

• Sandman agrees to go back to jail peacefully, rather than having to once again face Spidey and “that flaming freak” Torch.

• The Sinister Six all end up squabbling together in one jail cell.

And the Award goes to…

The Sinister Six! Mysterio is simply pathetic, and there’s some comedy with Sandman, but nothing beats the group angst of all six villains sharing a single cell! Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on that wall and see how they make it through until the police inexplicably (as they often do) let them all go?

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MOST MONSTROUS MONSTER

We’ve considered our ugly villains, and while monsters are not always villains, they are always monstrous, and with nowhere else to place them, they land here in the Villains category, simply because they are too good to leave out. Who—or what??–is the most monstrous monster?

In the category of Most Monstrous Monster, the nominees are…

• The Storm Giants
• The Lava Men
• The Mindless Ones

And the Award goes to…

The Mindless Ones, if only because they are so mysterious, and can’t be reasoned with. The Storm Giants and Lava Men are typical monsters, ho hum…But the Mindless Ones remind me way too much of the Borg from Star Trek: the Next Generation…and that is truly frightening!

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BEST POUT BY A SUPER-VILLAIN,
OR THE “CURSES! I’LL GET YOU YET!” AWARD

But let us return now to our “true” villains, and their truly despicable personalities. Like any two-year old, all good villains pout and plot revenge, when things don’t go their way.

In the category of Best Pout by a Super-Villain, the nominees are…

• Loki

• Mole Man

• Plantman

• Mister Hyde

• Sub-Mariner

• Thinker

So many to choose from!

But the Award goes to…

Plantman, who gets bonus points for the irony of boasting, even as he’s taken away in handcuffs. To stand firm even when your ship is sinking requires a superhuman level of unabashed denial.

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UNEASY ALLIANCES: THE VILLAINS

It’s true, villains don’t play well with heroes, but, as it turns out, they don’t play well with their fellow villains either! There is no oath of loyalty in the Villains Club, as the following nominees well prove.

In the category of Uneasy Alliances, the nominees are…

• Namor and Hulk secretly plot revenge against each other

• Kraven and Chameleon fight about who’s in charge as they make plans to vanquish Iron Man

• Cobra and Hyde fight to see who will attack Thor

And the Award goes to…

Namor and Hulk. All these villains exhibit such dysfunctional relationships, even among their own kind, and the results are laughable. But nothing exemplifies villainy as well as the secret thoughts of Namor and Hulk. That their sentiments appear in thought bubbles rather than speech balloons lends a chilling air of cold, heartless reality to their truest nature.

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GOOFIEST SUPER-VILLAIN COSTUME

Villains try so hard to be fearsome, but sometimes their best efforts fail dramatically. Some might do well to include a qualified tailor in their small army of minions.

In the category of Goofiest Super-Villain Costume, the nominees are…

• Mysterio, whose cape appears to be held up by mysterious eye buttons

• Kraven the Hunter, whose appearance causes us to wonder “Did he just escape from the circus, or is he getting home late from a disco club?”

• The Scarecrow, because he looks like…well, a scarecrow

And the Award goes to…

Kraven the Hunter. Yes, I know there’s a good case to be made for his fellow nominees, but nothing says “over the top” like sideburns and a bare chest. (Inexplicably, the gang at Midtown High School thinks he’s “cool,” but that’s a different award category…) Note: No offense to Paste Pot Pete, who must have been so insulted by being chosen last year’s winner that he decided to have a make-over, so he’s now (somewhat) less clownish, with his stylish Beatles haircut.

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MOST GROTESQUE VILLAIN

On the other side of the spectrum, some villains are just…plain…GROSS!

In the category of Most Grotesque Villain, the nominees are…

• The Blob, whose flesh resists even bullets

• Doctor Octopus, with all his gangly tentacles

• Nightmare, with his crazed nightmarish demeanor

And the Award goes to…

Doctor Octopus, because there’s something so horrifying about a half-man/half-machine. And when you couple his gruesome appearance with Aunt May’s genial acceptance of his good manners as he serves tea and danish, it makes you feel like you’ve entered into a Twilight Zone that even Nightmare himself could not hold a candle to!

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BEST USE OF DISGUISE BY A SUPER-VILLAIN

Deception and disguise are the hallmarks of so many good villains. (Of course, here I use the word “good” to mean “bad.”) Disguise often serves as a plot device to dupe our all-too-trusting heroes. Any “good” villain considers it a mark of brilliance when his use of disguise wins him, if not the war, at least the battle.

In the category of Best Use of Disguise by a Super-Villain, the nominees are…

• Porcupine, who “hides in plain sight” at a costume party where Giant-Man’s fans dress up as his conquered villains

• The Chameleon, for convincingly portraying a wounded Captain America

• The Wizard, who impersonates Torch in order to kidnap sister Sue

• Loki, for securing Dr. Blake’s trust in his guise of an old man, for the express purpose of relieving Blake of his magical cane

And the Award goes to:

The Chameleon. C’mon now! His moniker alone wins him this Award! In addition, in this particular sham, he even gains Cap’s thoughts and memories through use of an Electronic Thought-Transference machine, in order to defeat Iron Man. Though Chameleon does not always succeed in his deceptions (sometimes being waylaid by something as elemental as “women’s intuition”), in this instance, his super-villainous power serves him exceptionally well.

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BEST LURE

Deception is only one trick in the super-villain’s arsenal. Let’s consider the “Lure”:

In the category of Best Lure, the nominees are…

• Yogi Dakor lures impressionable youth Johnny Storm with a newspaper promise of a hot rod

• Mordo uses a recorded phone call to separate Dr. Strange’s ectoplasmic self from his physical body

• Doctor Doom invites the Fantastic Four to a gala event, where he gives them a hallucinatory drink that causes them to turn on each other

• Sandman and the Enforcers use the captured Torch to lure Spider-Man

• Kang’s Spider-Man robot tells the Avengers that Iron Man has been taken prisoner by Zemo in Mexico

And the Award goes to…

Mordo, for his superlative combination of technology and innovation. (In 1964, using a tape recorder and telephone at the same time counts as “technology.”) Not only that, but by separating Dr. Strange’s ectoplasmic self from his body, Mordo affords himself the opportunity to do more harm to the hero than any of our other nominees. Fortunately for us (and Doctor Strange), Mordo is not able to capitalize on that opportunity. Curses! Foiled again!

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NEW VILLAIN WITH THE GREATEST POTENTIAL

I guess you can never have too many villains in a world full of superheroes. 1964 saw the introduction of so many new villains, you would be hard pressed to count them all on your fingers and toes.

In the category of New Villain With the Greatest Potential, the nominees are…

• Electro

• Mandarin

• Green Goblin

• Kang the Conqueror

• The Purple Man

• Immortus, the Master of Time

And the Award goes to…

The Purple Man. Many super-villainous powers are scary, but none so much as the ability to control others. All other super-villainous powers pale in comparison. I look forward to seeing what Marvel’s going to do with the Purple Man, and whether they’ll find a better way to control his awesome power than wrapping him up in a tarp.

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LEAST IMPRESSIVE NEW VILLAIN

Every coin has two sides.

In the category of Least Impressive New Villain, the nominees are…

• Scarecrow

• Rabble Rouser

• Mysterio

• Kraven

• The Matador

And the Award goes to…

Mysterio. Although he may look good at first glance (if you can just get past those eye buttons), in the end he’s nothing more than a special effects guy with no real powers. It’s all, LITERALLY, smoke and mirrors. We deserve better.

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FEMME FATALE AWARD

In our subset of super-villains, none are as enchanting as the Femme Fatale. Marvel is catching on to this phenomenon.

In the category of Femme Fatale, the nominees are…

• Enchantress

• Black Widow

• Scarlet Witch

And the Award goes to…

The Enchantress. Let’s start by eliminating Scarlet Witch. Though she is “femme” and can indeed be “fatale,” her heart isn’t really in her work. Her main interest right now is protecting her brother, and somehow getting out of Magneto’s employ. Black Widow has shown us her softer side this year, which semi-disqualifies her, so that leaves Enchantress, who may be physically enchanting with her skin-tight green costume and long blonde hair, but is above all, always up to no good. (And traveling around with a guy named “The Executioner” does not inspire trust or good will.)

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MOST INSULTING TO THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

Marvel sometimes reaches into the animal kingdom for comic results, and when super-villains identify themselves this way, you have to feel sorry for those four-legged, six-legged or feathered creatures.

In the category of Most Insulting to the Animal Kingdom, the nominees are…

• The Uncanny Unicorn

• The Beetle

• The Owl

And the Award goes to…

The Owl. Beetles are BUGS. It’s hard to insult a bug. And unicorns are not real, so this nominee is eliminated on a technicality. Owl is the winner, since he so easily and so often besmirches the good reputation of actual owls by being…um…not so wise.

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MAGNETO’S COOLEST LAIR

One staple of any good super-villain (and again…well, you get the point), is the Evil Lair. In the same way that “clothes make the man,” an impressive lair can easily boost the mojo of any super-villain. Magneto probably doesn’t need the boost, but still, he’s got this. In spades.

In the category of Magneto’s Coolest Lair, the nominees are…

• Magneto’s hideout in an asteroid

• Magneto’s mysterious isle with a giant magnet emitting strange rays

• Magneto’s submarine, disguised as a piece of driftwood

And the Award goes to…

the cleverly disguised asteroid. I’m actually disappointed in Magneto for even thinking of having a secret lair on a mysterious island. How many super-villains run off to a mysterious island when they want to get away from it all? Not particularly innovative. Now, the submarine disguised as driftwood is somewhat more innovative but really…driftwood? Lost “style” points on driftwood make the asteroid the clear winner in this category!

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COOLEST EVIL LAIR (NON-MAGNETO…)

Not to say Magneto’s the only super-villain who can successfully pull off the Evil Lair! Oh no!

In the category of Coolest Evil Lair (Non-Magneto…), the nominees are…

• The Red Ghost’s moonship full of magnetic equipment

• The Thinker’s private isle which houses his vast complex of electronic computers

• Owl’s “secret” lair, which looks suspiciously like an owl…

And the Award goes to…

Namor! And his underwater bachelor pad! Yeah, I know this is not one of the nominees, but honestly, none of this year’s nominees can hold a candle to Namor’s underwater bachelor pad, complete with framed and signed photo from his major crush, Sue Storm. Yes, I know this is cheating. But hey! We’re talking about VILLAINS here! They would probably respect me for not playing by the rules.

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NOT REALLY BAD

When is a super-villain not a super-villain? When you can look deep into their soul…and find they actually have a soul! Some of our bad guys (and gals) are that much more fascinating because the mere hint of a speck of nobility keeps us guessing which side they might eventually choose. Jessica Rabbit once famously said, “I’m not really bad, I’m just drawn that way.” The following contenders might be ready to join that club.

In the category of Not Really Bad, the nominees are…

• Wanda and Pietro only stay with Magneto over a sense of duty, not because they’re on board with his evil ways

• Namor is a king, and when push comes to shove, you have to admit what appears evil from a surface dweller’s perspective is little more than the monarch trying to preserve and advance his own kingdom

• Wonder Man turns from evil when he realizes how much the Avengers tried to help him

• In these early issues, Hawkeye is more resentful, gullible and misunderstood than evil; he’s a dupe who gets drawn in by a pretty face.

• As Black Widow is taken back behind the Iron Curtain by her comrades, she wonders with a tear falling from her eye, whether she will ever see Hawkeye again

And the Award goes to…

Namor. I began by mentioning “soul,” and not only does Namor have one, but it is the soul of a king. The others have specific moments when a light shines through a chink in the armor, but Namor always acts with the best intentions of a responsible ruler and righteous warrior.

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And now, I think we’ve given more than enough attention to villains. Join me next week, when we’ll consider the best of the best, the most marvelous of Marvel’s superheroes, for whom the armor is neither chipped, nor rusted, nor blemished in any way, but brightly polished to reveal the full glory of what it means to be a champion!