Awards: Heroes

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

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THE SUPERHERO AWARDS
or…
“Here I come, to save the day!”

Now we come to the heart of it all! Where would Marvel be without its superheroes? Still telling tales of cowboys, soldiers, and young nurses in love? Probably not. It’s difficult to imagine such mundane focus surviving very long in 12-cent newsprint. Well, back in 1964, you might be willing to plop down your dimes and pennies for the quick entertainment of such hackneyed genres, but to survive another fifty or sixty years requires the exploration of the very best and most noble inclinations of Man, with a capital M. Superheroes give us hope that the world can be a better place. That’s why we keep reading about them. And that’s why we need to honor them now with a new edition of the Marvelous Awards for Superheroes!

MOST EFFECTIVE NEW POWER

Let’s begin by considering the superpowers of the Superhero. But not the same old powers we’ve seen before. What’s new? What’s exciting? What makes you say, “Wow! That’s cool!”?

In the category of Most Effective New Power, the nominees are…

• The Invisible Girl discovers that in addition to making herself invisible, she can make others invisible as well.

But wait! That’s not all! How about that protective force field, which comes in handy when playing defense?

• Wasp adds to her arsenal a handy-dandy compressed-air gun. Sure, she’s already got the prickly needle thingy, a laser-sharp tongue, and a general ability to get small and buzz around, distracting the heck out of her opponent, but a girl (especially a superhero girl) will never turn down another way to emphatically make her point!

• Thor apparently can send his adversary into a space warp, or, if that’s not sufficient, can actually TURN BACK TIME.

And the Award goes to…

The Invisible Girl. As much as I just tried to talk up Wasp, really, she’s got a new weapon, not a superpower. And Thor seems to be mighty active these days, but Russ assures me a lot of what we’re seeing from him now will not stand the test of time. Sue’s abilities may in fact be mostly defensive, but somehow those Four keep getting themselves into sticky situations where the best offense is a good defense. At the very least, she affords Reed the time and opportunity to dream up some super-scientific solution to the problem. So, once again, I have to say… “You go, girl!”

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LEADERSHIP AWARD

I guess you could say all superheroes are leaders, but some are bigger and better leaders than others. Who is the best of the best?

In the category of Leadership Award, the nominees are…

• Mr. Fantastic, who holds together his sometimes errant group, while also coming up with those fabulous solutions. (If you had to mind the likes of Torch and Thing setting the house on fire, could you possibly fare as well?)

• Captain America. His moniker says it all: Captain. America. In some sense, he’s the leader of the whole country. Well, not really. (Sigh…too bad…) But arriving late to the Avengers, and the 1960’s, he’s had no problem making adjustments and stepping up to the line of duty.

• Cyclops. While Professor X is out of commission, Scott Summers dons the green suit and sits behind the desk, assuming an authoritarian role over his fellow X-Men.

And the Award goes to…

Mr. Fantastic. Cyclops is merely a “leader in training” (not to worry, I’m sure his day will come…) and as for Cap, every Avenger has a turn at leadership; it’s a joint effort. But nobody could lead the Fantastic Four like Reed. This year, he’s taken up a new leadership strategy when the going gets tough: “Shut up and do what I say! I’ll explain it to you later!” So, yeah, even though Reed is sometimes a dick, like Rhomann Dey in Guardians of the Galaxy, I don’t believe anyone is “100% a dick.” Including Reed Richards.

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MOST POLITICALLY CORRECT

I remember watching Star Trek as a kid and getting frustrated when Captain Kirk would make a speech, rather than kill the bad guy. In my simple childlike mind, I understood fairness and justice much better than mercy and political correctness. And even though I’ve grown up, and now have a deeper understanding of complex ethical concepts…every now and then, I still wish the superhero would just kill the bastard! (Pardon my French…)

In the category of Most Politically Correct, the nominees are…

• Reed Richards

• The Ancient One

• Matt Murdock

And the Award goes to…

The Ancient One. Reed is LEGALLY correct. Murdock is MORALLY correct. But the Ancient One so faithfully echoes the Captain Kirk philosophy that drove me crazy as a kid. Now…let’s all hold hands and sing “Kumbaya…”

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MOST OUTRAGEOUS MR. FANTASTIC CONFIGURATION

Let the images speak for themselves…

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And the Award goes to…

Mr. Fantastic as the human boat. Bizarre. Unsettling. Disturbing. OUTRAGEOUS!!

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MOST CREATIVE USE OF A SUPERPOWER
(OTHER THAN MR. FANTASTIC)

More images! Let’s just go with it. Take a gander at these:

• From Amazing Spider-Man #8:

• From Tales to Astonish #54:

• From Avengers #5:

• From X-Men #7:

And the Award goes to…

Iceman, because he actually STOPS torpedoes. He prevents death and destruction. Sure, Spider-Man and Giant-Man are innovative, but using their powers for transportation and weaponry pales in comparison to Iceman’s feat. When the pressure’s on, and you can still dream up a way to save the day, that’s worthy of an Award.

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MOST ANGST-RIDDEN SUPERHERO

Can a superhero really be any fun at all, if he’s not riddled with guilt and angst? “Psychologically well-adjusted” is not necessarily a pre-requisite for the job. The best superheroes have the worst luck, and the most annoying circumstances.

In the category of Most Angst-Ridden Superhero, the nominees are…

• Daredevil, who fights crime as a way of avenging his murdered father

• Spider-Man, who has not only a murdered uncle, but also a host of enduring real-life issues, including girls, money, a sick aunt, a domineering boss, harassing schoolmates, and PR problems due to the unrelenting efforts of J. Jonah Jameson and his barrels of ink

• Iron Man, who must spend the rest of his life in armor, or risk death (oh, and let’s not forget that his best friend likes the only girl he’s really interested in)

And the Award goes to…

Spider-Man. Almost everyone has a dead relative, like Daredevil, and every superhero, like Iron Man, lives on the verge of death. As for not being able to connect with his love interest…well, I offer up for your consideration the undisputed fact that Stark is a freakin’ billionaire, so really…kind of hard for me to feel sorry for him. Boo hoo… But poor Peter! He’s so young, and he bears so many burdens. It’s a dubious honor to be awarded the “Most Angst-Ridden Superhero,” but Peter wins this one, hands down.

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THE DRUDGERY OF BEING A SUPERHERO

It’s not always glamorous, you know. Sometimes even super-heroes get bogged down with real life issues.

In the category of The Drudgery of Being a Superhero, the nominees are…

• The Avengers must observe Roberts’ Rules of Order

• Daredevil creates a convenient pouch for carrying his street clothes, while otherwise garbed in his superhero costume

• Thor must reimburse the city for street repairs when he uses the force of his hammer to save a boy from being run over by a truck

• Let’s just call this one “Explanations are boring”

• Again with the wardrobe issues!

• And finally, despite all his mystical powers, when the phone rings, Doctor Strange still has to pick up the receiver to answer it, just like a normal person

And the Award goes to…

The Avengers and those damn Rules of Order! Having been in a few meetings in my lifetime, and after watching Congressional hearings on TV, I can surely sympathize. However, I do want to mention that I’m particularly incensed that Thor would have to PAY for the repairs, after he’s saved the city. But that’s not drudgery…it’s simply unfair!

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TEAMWORK

Paradoxically, though the best super-heroes are leaders, really, when you get down to it, the best of the best are those that are both leaders AND are able to work and play well with others. In the fast-paced world of derring-do, there’s not often time for personal conflict or confusion. Two heads are better than one, right? But not if those two heads are not on the same page!

In the category of Teamwork, the nominees are…

• Giant-Man and Wasp communicate through cybernetic helmets

• Spider-Man and Torch work together to round up the Enforcers

• Beast comes to Angel’s aid against the Blob, then Marvel Girl helps them both

And the Award goes to…

Spidey and Torch, because there is already such a well-documented history of one upmanship between them. Any sort of cooperation between these two strong teenage male personalities is certainly worthy of an award!

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UNEASY ALLIANCES – THE HEROES

Okay, I just got done handing out awards for Teamwork, and now here we are, nominating some of the same folks for NOT Teamwork. But just because they fight on the same side doesn’t mean all superheroes always get along with each other. And petty jealousies may be only the beginning of their problems!

In the category of Uneasy Alliance – The Heroes, the nominees are…

• Spider-Man and Torch

• Torch and Iceman

• Wasp and Spider-Man

And the Award goes to…

Spidey and Wasp. Even though Iceman and Torch have their differences, the Award goes to Spidey and Wasp for trepidation that is fully rooted at the biological level. Add to that: they are both strong, outspoken, sassy personalities. If opposites attract, I don’t see how these two, who are so alike in every way except the insect with which they most strongly identify, can ever possibly call a truce.

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THE HULKISH AWARD

When is Hulk most Hulkish? Let me count the ways…

• When he rocks a building back and forth

• When he crunches a missile with a single punch

• When he rips a bus in half

• When he cracks through rocks

And the Award goes to…

Hulk crunching a missile, because what shows Hulk’s churlish demeanor better than his willingness to spar with the full strength of the military?

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TRAVELING IN STYLE

One of the joys of these early comics is seeing how many ways the creators can dream up to get their characters around from place to place. In most cases, a simple automobile just won’t do! Superheroes need super-duper modes of transportation.

In the category of Traveling In Style, the nominees are…

• The Fantasticar

• A flying Viking ship

• A winged battle stallion

And the Award goes to…

The flying Viking Ship. Winged horses? Seen ’em before. They’re all over fantasy literature. And as fantastic as the fantasticar is, it can’t hold a candle to the epic vision of a flying ship! Extra points for evoking a steampunk vibe, decades before steampunk was a thing.

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TRAVELING…NOT IN STYLE

Well, that’s the best of the best. But how about the dubious honor of employing the worst possible option when it comes to simple physical conveyance?

In the category of Traveling Not In Style, the nominees are…

• The subway

• Tow truck

• Flying ants

And the Award goes to…

The X-Men, for having to endure the degradation of the New York City subway. If all superheroes had to travel like this all the time, we have to wonder what sort of shape the Marvel Universe would be in.

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HOW I DO IT, OR…THE MAGICIAN’S SECRETS REVEALED

There’s nothing worse than the know-it-all who insists on explaining in painstaking detail how their amazing feats are accomplished. Not only because a good magician never reveals his secrets, but also because all this chitter-chatter slows down the action at the most inopportune times.

In the category of How I Do It, or…The Magician’s Secrets Revealed, the nominees are…

• Spider-Man, for stopping in the middle of fighting Doc Ock to give a tutorial on loading his web cartridges

• Daredevil for MULTIPLE overstuffed word balloons

• The entire Tales of Suspense #55 feature showing every aspect of Iron Man’s costume and weaponry

And the Award goes to…

Iron Man’s multi-page spread describing the technology behind his armor. I wasn’t an eight-year-old boy in 1964, but I knew some, and they would have been fascinated by this behind-the-curtain look. Fifty years later, I’m still not an eight-year-old boy, but the fascination that I feel when I see Tony Stark getting in and out of his armor in the Marvel movies must be similar to how the readers of these early comics felt about this explanatory feature. And because it stands alone, outside the story, it avoids falling into the trap of slowing down the narrative.

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GOOD THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES

Miniaturization is a recurring theme in Marvel Comics, giving credence to the axiom “Good things come in small packages.”

In the category of Good Things Come in Small Packages, the nominees are…

• Wasp

• Ants

• Engagement Rings

And the Award goes to…

Engagement rings! Hello! I’m a girl. Did you really think I was going to pick ANTS??

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BEST POUT BY A SUPERHERO

Even superheroes have their “down days.” And when they pout, they pout epically.

In the category of Best Pout by a Superhero, the nominees are…

• Iron Man

• Thing

• Hulk

• Human Torch

And the Award goes to…

Iron Man is being childish. Johnny is being a teenager—it’s his job. Thing and Hulk are both justified. It’s gotta go to Ben. How sad…

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MOST GRATUITOUS USE OF SUPERPOWERS

If pouting is something we don’t usually equate with superheroes, how much more unusual is it to see our heroes using their powers in totally gratuitous fashion? Having superpowers is something that should be taken very seriously! And yet, on occasion…

In the category of Most Gratuitous Use of Superpowers, the nominees are…

• Human Torch puts on a fireworks display

• The X-Men use their powers for party tricks

• Human Torch doubles as the Human Cigarette Lighter

• Scott channels Emily Post, as he zaps Beast to scold him for reaching across the table

• Iceman makes pie a la mode

And the Award goes to…

Torch, for his Fireworks display. Johnny is such a showoff, he really can’t help himself.

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MIGHTY WARRIOR POSE

Now here’s something we DO like to see in superheroes: striking the pose of a Mighty Warrior!

In the category of Mighty Warrior Pose, the nominees are…

• Thor

• Namor

• Human Torch

• Iron Man

And the Award goes to…

Namor! He actually looks like he’s posing, almost like he was in a bodybuilding competition.

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NEW AND IMPROVED

Nothing is ever stagnant in life, whether we’re talking about our own hum-drum world, or the Marvel Universe. Even though the Marvel Universe is a place of the most stupendous attributes and achievements, it seems there is always still room for improvement!

In the category of New and Improved, the nominees are…

• Iceman goes from snowman to a true man of ice

• Iron Man drops his cat-ears faceplate for a riveted helmet

• Giant-Man exchanges those troublesome size-changing capsules with his own mental energy

• Doctor Strange receives a new and improved cloak and amulet from the Ancient One after a well-fought battle against the dread Dormammu

And the Award goes to…

Doctor Strange, because he gains a true power upgrade with the cloak and amulet. Giant-Man’s improvement is for his own convenience, and Iceman and Iron Man are basically just cosmetic. If these awards were merely a beauty pageant, they’d be back in the running.

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SCIENCE NERD

Though the Marvel Universe is a place full of wonder and even, sometimes, enchantment, there’s no denying that science is a major player in this bold new world. And where there is science, you will necessarily find scientists. We’ve got a few, and they’ve all had their Science Nerd moments.

In the category of Science Nerd, the nominees are…

• Reed Richards stops in the middle of a crisis to explain solar waves and ionic dust particles

• Hank Pym concocts a formula to locate the captured Wasp through the energy imprint of her heartbeat

• Banner claims he was lost while conducting research in a cave

And the Award goes to…

Banner, because the only thing nerdier than conducting scientific experiments in a cave is PRETENDING to conduct scientific experiments in a cave. Extra points for Talbot’s perceptive and sarcastic remarks about Banner being toooooo smooth.

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NOW THAT’S USIN’ YOUR NOGGIN

Super strength is a recurring theme in the Marvel Universe, but all that strength isn’t going to get you anywhere if you aren’t at the same time using your most important muscle: your brain!

In the category of Now That’s Usin’ Your Noggin, the nominees are…

• Reed Richards enters Doctor Doom’s head to create an illusion of victory

• Johnny Storm creates enough smoke to attract the fire department

• Giant-Man repurposes a billboard as a megaphone to warn the town of impending danger

And the Award goes to…

Reed Richards. Not only does he understand the properties of the hallucinatory drink, but he also comprehends the workings of his opponent’s psyche, to the point that he is able to pull off a very tricky deception that wins the day. It’s a dicey move…but he takes a calculated risk, and in the end, it works!

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THE ACHILLES HEEL

The most important aspect of any superhero’s anatomy is his Achilles Heel. Without an Achilles Heel, superheroes would be perfect…and frankly, deadly dull. So! Let us celebrate the Achilles Heel with the following nominations:

In the category of Achilles Heel, the nominees are…

• Torch’s asbestos rope, cages, blindfolds, pens and pencils, paper, TV remote controls, scrambled eggs…

• Thor and his pesky 60-Second Rule

• Iron Man’s fragile heart, which requires batteries and extension cords

• Daredevil and his super-sensitive radar sense

And the Award goes to…

Thor’s 60-Second Rule. Let’s reason it out. Daredevil’s radar sense is not a true Achilles Heel, it’s actually a super-power; it just backfires on occasion. Iron Man can plan ahead so he’s fully charged up for the adventure. Torch can avoid asbestos. But there’s nothing Thor can do. That 60-Second Rule is part of who he is. If that part of the enchantment is enacted, his secret identity is revealed to the world, and in the Marvel Universe, that’s the worst thing that can happen to a super-hero (unless you’re in the Fantastic Four).

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BEST FIGHT SCENE

I love romance and soap opera probably more than the average Marvel Comics fan, but I still have to admit that without all those fabulous fight scenes, the Marvel Universe would look more like Peyton Place or Pine Valley, and less like the truly energetic and fascinating place it is. And so, though I don’t like to see too many fight scenes, I’m more than willing to give credit where credit is due.

In the category of Best Fight Scene, the nominees are…

• Spider-Man takes out a bunch of bad guys at once

• Captain America against a whole gang

• Thor fights an Octi-Robot

• Doctor Strange matches powers with Aggamon

• Thor throws Hyde and Cobra around like they’re rag dolls

• Spidey against Doc Ock and all his tentacles

And the Award goes to…

Captain America, because of all our nominees, Cap fights without the benefit of super-powers generated by technology or magic. It’s all him; strength of his human body, and the strength of his human spirit.

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BEST GUEST APPEARANCE

At this point, most Marvel superheroes have their own titles, but that does not preclude them periodically jumping the page to show up in a fellow superhero’s tale, either for a brief moment of assistance, just to say “Hi!” or even to plug their own title. It’s always fun to spot a cameo appearance, and some cameos are more fun than others.

In the category of Best Guest Appearance, the nominees are…

• Doctor Strange assists the Fantastic Four in finding Namor

• Hulk guests in Fantastic Four #25 & #26

• Daredevil joins Spider-Man to put an end to the Circus of Crime

• Doctor Strange assists Dr. Blake in finding the kidnapped Jane Foster

• EVERYBODY makes a cameo appearance in Amazing Spider-Man Annual #1!

• The Avengers pop in to help the Fantastic Four fight Mole Man

• Iceman shows up on a cruise with Johnny Storm and his girlfriend Doris

And the Award goes to…

EVEYBODY! In Amazing Spider-Man Annual #1. As they say: “The more the merrier!”

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And on that note, I’ll conclude this installment of the Marvelous Awards. Join me next week when we’ll travel back in time to consider all the flair and foibles of the 1960’s, and I’ll engage in a golden opportunity to present the Silver Age Awards!