Adventures in the Marvelous Zone

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

WRITER AWARDS

Stories are houses built not of bricks, but of words. Comics are stories built of words and pictures. Sort of like bricks and mortar. One is not of much use, without the other. Writers provide not only the mortar, but also the architectural plans. And the landscaping and window treatments. If I keep this up, eventually I’ll run out of metaphors. So, enough with the introductory comments already! Let’s get on with the show!

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MOST SHAKESPEAREAN MOMENT
(OR…THE BARD WOULD BE PROUD)

William Shakespeare is one of the most renowned writers of all time. His name has become synonymous with flowery language and overblown drama. But he’s not the only one who excels in such endeavors. The writers in the Marvel bullpen have no doubt learned a thing or two from the master.

In the category of Most Shakespearean Moment, the nominees are:

• The Inscription on Thor’s Hammer: “Whosoever Holds This Hammer, If He Be Worthy, Shall Possess The Power Of…THOR”
• Dr. Doom’s soliloquy, when he looks in the mirror and laments, “I alone must hide like a dark wraith from the sight of my fellow man!”
• Tony Stark, for bemoaning his fate, “trapped in an iron prison”

And the Award goes to…

Thor’s Hammer! Doom and Stark are of this world. Thor’s Hammer gets extra points for being from a realm beyond our own.

Honorary Mention to Tony Stark as Iron Man, in The Avengers 2012 movie, who, upon meeting Thor for the first time, chides him with, “Doth Mother know you weareth her drapes?”

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“SOME OF THE LANGUAGE IN HERE JUST SLAYS ME”

In college, I had a professor who was fond of saying, “Some of the language in here just slays me.” I’ve always remembered this, and kept it in the back of my mind as my personal mantra for celebrating the wonders of extreme language. I find “slayworthy” language everywhere I go, and of course Marvel comics are no exception.

In the category of “Some of the Language in Here Just Slays Me,” the nominees are:

• A teenager ogling a girl in Tales to Astonish #43, tells his buddies, “Hey, guys–dig the luscious chick!”
• Tony Stark, in Tales of Suspense #41, defuses his date’s fan-girl gushing over his charitable deeds with, “Careful, doll! You’ll make me flip my halo!”
• In Hulk #6, when Rick Jones’ pals want to show him what the gang’s been doin’ (“You’ll flip, son!”), Jones replies, “Sorry, Daddy-o! I ain’t in a flippin’ mood!”

And the Award goes to…

Rick Jones in Hulk #6. Sorry, but I just can’t pass up a “Daddy-o” when it comes to language that “slays” me.

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MOST EPIC BATTLE

Heroes and villains battle, but before they can do so, someone has to imagine that battle, and plan it out in minute detail. The more perilous, the better. And the most perilous battles are those that seem unwinnable…right up to the very moment they’re won.

In the category of Most Epic Battle, the nominees are:

• Spider-Man’s first encounter with Dr. Octopus in Amazing Spider-Man #3
• Ant-Man, Wasp, Iron Man and Thor fight Hulk, Loki and an assortment of Trolls in Avengers #1
• The invasion of the Atlanteans in Fantastic Four Annual #1

And the Award goes to…

The whole gang in Avengers #1, simply because there are so many superheroes in one place. And of course, when you throw in a few trolls, the LOTR geek in me can’t help but be delighted!

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EXTREME IRONY

Irony: “A rhetoric device, literary technique, or event characterized by an incongruity, or contrast, between what the expectations of a situation are and what is really the case, with a third element, that defines that what is really the case is ironic because of the situation that led to it.” (Wikipedia). Got that? Don’t worry, it’s not actually that complicated. Just enjoy.

In the category of Extreme Irony, the nominees are:

• Flash Thompson, who always supposes that whenever Spider-Man is battling a villain, Peter must be “hidin’ with his head under a desk somewhere!”
• The evil Professor Zaxton, who duplicates himself to confuse Thor, then falls off the building and is killed. His physical duplicate with the opposite personality (a good person) lives on.
• Jane Foster, for giving Dr. Blake an earful because she has to make “lame excuses” when he’s not there. He’s out saving the world, and she’s lecturing him about “responsibility.”

And the Award goes to…

Tough choice, but in the end, I’m going with Jane Foster’s chiding of Dr. Blake, if only because her insensitive description of “lame” excuses adds an additional layer of irony to her tirade.

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MOST ALLITERATIVE NAME

Many of the mostly marvelous monikers of the sensational 60’s cavalcade of comic characters are permanently positioned in pop culture simply because they sound so darn-tootin’ good! Stan Lee used alliteration to label so many of his characters so he wouldn’t forget their names, then he himself famously forget a few (Who the heck is Bob Banner? Or Peter Palmer?) But how shall we ever forget these gigantic gems?

In the category of Most Alliterative Name, the nominees are:

• Victor Von Doom
• Paste Pot Pete
• J. Jonah Jameson

And the Award goes to…

J. Jonah Jameson. Not only do you have the three J’s in a row, but if you refer to him as “JJJ,” there’s no mistaking who you mean. Sure, you could do the same with Paste Pot Pete, but “PPP” doesn’t have the same authoritative ring.

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BIGGEST SURPRISE

It’s no fun if you can predict everything that’s going to happen. While comics tend to follow a general formula that adds a pleasant sense of familiarity and expectation to the reading experience, perhaps one of the most pleasurable expectations is the certainty that every now and then you’re going to get walloped with a hefty dose of the unexpected.

In the category of Biggest Surprise, the nominees are:

• Mongu from outer space is actually a bunch of Commies!
• The Hate-Monger is unmasked as…Adolph Hitler!!
• In Strange Tales #114, we discover that Captain America is not Captain America at all, but the villainous Acrobat!!!

All good nominations, but the Award goes to…

The Hate-Monger revealed as Hitler. The inclusion of an actual historical figure makes the surprise even more epic.

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BIGGEST BOAST BY THE AUTHOR

I always look forward to reading a new comic, because I know the very first thing I’m going to find is a long-winded explanation of why the story I’m about to read is the biggest and bestest of any story that has ever been written in the whole of human history. (And by the way, in the next issue, that story will be touted as even bigger and better!!)

In the category of Biggest Boast By the Author, the nominees are:

• X-Men #1: “And now prepare yourself for one of the most exciting reading experiences of your life! For you are about to enter the fascinating, unpredictable world of…the X-Men!”
• X-Men #2: “Congratulations! You are about to begin a book-length tale which you’ll never forget!”
• Fantastic Four #21: “The editors predict that this is the most unusual, thought-provoking tale you will read this season! We believe you will agree!”
• Tales Of Suspense #48: “This is the type of tale which we honestly believe will become a classic in the years that follow! It has EVERYTHING!”

All of the nominations sound great on the surface, but the Award goes to…

X-Men #2. A deeper look at the other claims reveals “weasel words,” like “we believe,” “we predict,” and “ONE of the most,” rather than THE most. But in X-Men #2, the authors unabashedly state you WILL NEVER forget this tale. They don’t just believe it, or predict it, they GUARANTEE it.

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BEST QUOTE

A snappy sentence now and then can go a long way as the icing on the cake of an enjoyable read.

In the category of Best Quote, the nominees are:

• The narrator finishing up the Spider-Man origin story: “With great power comes great responsibility”
• Rama Tut, the time-traveling Pharaoh: “Yes, I come from the year 3,000…the glorious age of enlightenment, the century of peace and progress, the ultimate in civilization and culture! And I HATED it!”
• Peter Parker in Amazing Spider-Man #5: “I might as well face it! I’ve got nothing but luck…and it’s all BAD!”

And the Award goes to…

The narrator from Amazing Spider-Man #1. I love Rama Tut’s quirky take on Utopia, but nothing beats the “great power/great responsibility” quote when it comes to Marvel Comics. Not only has this become a part of American pop culture, it’s an extremely insightful statement.

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THE TALKY-TALKY AWARD
(OR…ENOUGH ALREADY!)

Marvel writers do a marvelous job. Sometimes so marvelous, they don’t know when to stop. Narrators and characters alike can be so longwinded, you want to scream, “Enough already! Let’s get on with the story.”

In the category of Enough Already! the nominees are:

• Strange Tales #112, where the mighty Thing is reduced to an afterthought nearly buried beneath a tall and heavy word balloon
• X-Men #1, in which the miraculous Magneto talks so much, his word balloon covers almost his entire upper body
• Fantastic Four Annual #1, for Thing complaining that if Reed ever got strapped into the electric chair, he’d “probably be explainin’ how the blamed thing WORKS while they pulled the switch!” and Reed immediately apologizing, “Sorry, Ben–Guess I DO get long-winded sometimes.”

And the Award goes to…

Strange Tales #112. Love the self-awareness of the “long-winded” tendency in FF Annual #1, but the strongest visual impact is made when Thing is nearly crushed by the weight of his own words.

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MOST INSPIRATIONAL MOMENT

Comics thrill us, excite us, titillate us. But who’s to say there can’t be a hint of edification and motivation tucked into these adventures? Twelve cents for a giant-sized can of “Can-Do”? What a bargain!

In the category of Most Inspirational Moment, the nominees are:

• In Amazing Spider-Man #3, when Johnny Storm lectures school kids to do their best and not be discouraged, Peter Parker glows with determination
• In Journey Into Mystery #88, Don Blake snaps his fingers, proclaiming, “That’s the answer! It’ll work! I’m CERTAIN of it!”
• In Fantastic Four #1, when the Four name themselves and put their hands together, Reed announces, “And I’ll call myself…Mister Fantastic!”

And the Award goes to…

Johnny Storm and Peter Parker. Teenagers giving good advice to teenagers, what could possibly be more inspirational than that? And in case you didn’t get it, note the physical glow of determination that surrounds Parker once Torch relights his fire!

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MOST POLITE WAY TO AVOID CURSING

It’s the 60’s, and comics are kid-friendly, so it stands to reason that even in moments of the greatest anger and stress, our characters can’t say what real people would say. No problem! Marvel writers have worked out some marvelous ways to avoid cursing, and still get the point across.

In the category of Most Polite Way to Avoid Cursing, the nominees are:

• “For the love of Asgard!!” as uttered by Thor in Journey into Mystery #95
• “Holy Hannah!” usually exclaimed by the disbelieving public
• “*!!MMPPFF!!! GRRMMPFF!! *!!*!!?!” J. Jonah Jameson’s reaction to Spider-Man’s web gag in Amazing Spider-Man #7
• “Bah!” The universal proclamation of disgust and contempt, used at one time or another by almost every Marvel character from the Incredible Hulk right down to Willie Lumpkin, the mailman

And the Award goes to…

BAH!! Such economy of language, such strength of emotion in a single syllable! Not only that, but the literary connection to Charles Dickens’ Ebenezer Scrooge lifts “Bah!” to a level of elegance achieved by few other words in the Marvel Universe.

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And speaking of curses…Curses! We’re almost done! I’ve been having so much fun with these Awards, but all good things must come to an end. You’ll be happy to know, however, that I’ve saved the best for last: tomorrow, I’ll take a good long look at the invaluable contributions of the Marvel bullpen artists. Join me then for the final fantastic installment of these Marvelous Awards!!

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

The Marvel superheroes (unlike the villains) were all very good sports about yesterday’s awards, more than willing to admit if they had behaved in a less than favorable fashion. Fully supporting my efforts, they have assisted my return to society. Thor flew me back in from my secret location, Mr. Stark had Iron Man pick up his Transistor-Powered Image Projector, and Sue Storm offered to stay with me for a few days, protecting our location with her inpenetrable force field. We passed a pleasant evening like a couple of junior high girls at a sleepover, painting our nails and deep-conditioning our hair, while we discussed the issues of Sue’s public image and love life, as raised in yesterday’s Superhero Awards.

Feeling completely rested, confident and protected, I am now able to proceed with these Marvelous Awards. Our next section: The Silver Age Awards!

THE SILVER AGE AWARDS

The Marvel Universe is a place like no other. In addition, the 1960’s are a time like no other. When the two collide, you get something so unique, its many peculiarities are deserving of special mention.

These Silver Age Awards celebrate those aspects of the first two years of Marvel Comics that so excellently depict this marvelous collision of time and fantasy. If it could only happen within the confines of Marvel’s Silver Age of Comics, then here it is.

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TAKING LIBERTIES BECAUSE WE’RE IN A COMIC BOOK WORLD
AND CAN DO THINGS YOU CAN’T DO IN REAL LIFE

Real life can be a drag. But in the comic book world, anything can happen–and usually does–no CGI required!

In the category of Taking Liberties Because We’re In a Comic Book World and Can Do Things You Can’t Do in Real Life, the nominees are:

• Spidey shoots a web standing on an airplane and hitchhikes a ride on an errant space capsule
• Loki whacks Thor in the chromosomatic gland, causing international chaos
• Thing straps a nuclear bomb on his back with a pair of bedsheets

And the Award goes to…

The chromosomatic gland. The writers of Marvel Comics excel at creating scientific inventions, but muchos kudos for venturing into the world of creative biology!

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WISH WE HAD THAT INVENTION

The creative Q of James Bond legend can’t hold a candle to the vast storehouse of magnificent inventions that have come out of the Silver Age of Marvel Comics. Well, he could try…but it had better be an Electro-Magnetic Transistor-Powered Super-Luminary from the innards of Stark Industries, if he expects to get anywhere near close to seeing the full scope of imaginative Marvel inventions.

In the category of Wish We Had THAT Invention, the nominees are:

• The Flying Bathtu–uh, I mean, the Fantasticar!
• Doctor Doom’s Time Machine
• Ant-Man’s cybernetic helmet
• Spider-Man’s webbing

And the Award goes to…

Doctor Doom’s Time Machine, because…what could possibly be better than a Time Machine?

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WELL, IT IS, AFTER ALL, THE 60’S…

Nostalgia. Ah, the good old days! A perfect blending of 60’s pop culture with mid-century sensibilities gives these Marvel comics a delightful taste of times.

In the category of Well, It Is, After All, The 60’s…, the nominees are:

• Amazing Spider-Man #5, in which J. Jonah Jameson offers a $1,000 reward to anyone who can disclose Spider-Man’s true identity (One THOUSAND dollars?? OOOoooOOO!)
• Journey Into Mystery #96, where JFK and daughter Caroline talk about the pony Macaroni
• Amazing Spider-Man #5 (again), because Aunt May is watching “the cleverest juggling act” on the Ed Sullivan Show

And the Award goes to…

Aunt May! Nothing conjures up the 1960’s like Ed Sullivan.

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BEST USE OF SKY WRITING

Look! Up in the sky! It’s–oops, sorry. Wrong publisher. But that doesn’t mean the inhabitants of the Marvel Universe have no reason to strain their necks, looking upwards. Beside the Fantastic Four’s pogo plane, a leaping Hulk, or occasional alien spaceship, a good amount of sky-writing often takes place. Much to our amusement…

In the category of Best Use of Sky Writing, the nominees are:

• Strange Tales Annual #2: Human Torch invites his teenage rival to join him with a super-sized “Spider-Man let’s work together”
• Strange Tales #112: Torch creates a blazing version of Niagara Falls and signs him name in fire, saying, “My fans oughta get a CHARGE out of THAT!”
• X-Men #1: Magneto signs his name in script: “Surrender the base or I’ll take it by force! Magneto.”

And the Award goes to…

Magneto. Never let it be said Magneto is a villain without style. Extra points for that fancy script signature! I almost expected him to preface it with “Sincerely yours,” but I guess at the last moment he stopped himself, thinking, “Well, wait a minute… I AM a villain…”

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MOST RACIST PORTRAYAL

In the early 1960’s, Civil Rights had not yet come into vogue, and the term “politically correct” had yet to be coined. In this less sensitive era, certain groups often took a beating at the hands of accepted stereotypes, and the creators of the Marvel Universe were no exception when it came to less than flattering portrayals of entire races.

In the category of Most Racist Portrayal, the nominees are:

• Asian characters, like Chinese Communist villain Wong Chu and Professor Yinsen, being portrayed with skin that is actually YELLOW.
• Russians. In every portrayal within the pages of these early Marvel comics, Russians are rude, power-hungry, volatile, and do not seem to possess a single brain among the lot of them.
• The Skrulls. Why are beings from outer space always GREEN?

And the Award goes to…

The artists of Tales of Suspense, Journey into Mystery, and any other titles that used the color yellow to represent the skin tone of Asian characters. The Skrulls are green, because it’s a stereotypical literary staple of the day that this is the actual skin color of aliens (“Little Green Men from Mars”). The Russians are power-hungry and volatile, because these are the personality traits that identify them as villains. But there is no reasonable excuse for actually using the color yellow to represent the skin tone of Asian characters.

Asian skin is not actually yellow, any more than American Indian skin is red, or African-American skin is black. Were the depiction of facial features not enough to alert the reader to the fact that these characters are Asian? If the intent had been to identify these characters with the personality trait of cowardice, surely the artists and writers could have found a more imaginative and less offensive way to do so.

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MOST UNREALISTIC PORTRAYAL OF TEENAGERS

Speaking of stereotypes, Marvel teenagers do not escape. However, it sometimes seems the writers and artists of these early Silver Age comics are stuck in a time warp, remembering what it was like back when they were teenagers…

In the category of Most Unrealistic Portrayal of Teenagers, the nominees are:

• Johnny Storm takes a “doll” on a date wearing a hat and checkered jacket, in Fantastic Four #17
• A Teen Brigade groupie, hearing Rick Jones radio Giant-Man, exclaims, “Wait till I tell the girls at my sewing circle!” (Avengers #2)
• Rick Jones relaxes in his jalopy in the forbidden test area, wearing a green checkered jacket and playing a harmonica, in Hulk #1

And the Award goes to…

Johnny Storm. He and Rick Jones both have the checkered jacket, but nothing sticks out like a sore thumb more than a teenager in a hat like the one your dad used to wear to church. So it’s Johnny Storm, not only for this moment, but for many others when we see him looking suspiciously NOT like a teenager.

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MOST EXOTIC LOCATION

Comic book are limited only by the imaginations of their creators. Sure, a lot of the activity takes place in good ol’ New York City, or the deserts of the Southwest, but that doesn’t mean every location is familiar and mundane. Stretching their creative wings, Marvel Comics will surely visit some of the most exotic and fascinating settings this side of reality.

In the category of Most Exotic Location, the nominees are:

• Namor’s undersea Atlantean kingdom
• Asgard
• The enormous dead city on the Moon

And the Award goes to…

Asgard, because…it’s a magical place.

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MOST BUNGLING LAWMEN
(OR…WHY THE MARVEL UNIVERSE NEEDS SUPERHEROES)

Obviously the ordinary police and military of Marvel Comics can’t be super-efficient…or why would we need superheroes? However, sometimes the thin line between hero and superhero is drawn so widely, we can skip and run across it with no fear of falling, even as we stagger about, laughing ourselves silly.

In the category of Most Bungling Lawmen, the nominees are:

• In Strange Tales #104, the cops get sealed into their car with paste.
• In X-Men #1, when the Military Police are unsuccessful at containing Magneto, and the X-Men show up, after wondering, “Now who or WHAT are the X-Men?” they agree to give them 15 minutes. (“We’ve nothing to lose! But I feel like a danged fool!”)
• In X-Men #2, four heavily armed guards maintain a tense vigil over the nation’s ultra-important continental defense plans…sitting ON TOP OF A DESK!!! They know the villain they are guarding against has the ability to appear instantly from thin air, but don’t bother to lock the valuable plans in the desk drawer.

And the Award goes to…

The armed guards in X-Men #2. If the plan had been to BAIT the villain into an appearance so they could capture him, they could have put fake plans in that briefcase. But NO, those were the actual plans, and they were actually sitting on top of the desk. Sigh…

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THE “DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS” BOOBY PRIZE

Heroes, villains, the general populations: Whether in comics or real life, no one is immune to the occasional snit. However, some Marvel characters show an outstanding lack of interpersonal skills. A Booby Prize is in order!

In the category of the “Does Not Play Well With Others” Booby Prize, the nominees are:

• Doctor Doom, for his uneasy collaboration with Sub-Mariner in Fantastic Four #6 (“I’ve managed to snare the only beings capable of blocking my ambition to rule the entire world! Sub-Mariner never guessed he was included in that group! Now HE’S as helpless as the rest of them!”)
• General Ross for enlisting Thor’s help in testing the C-bomb he hopes to use against Hulk, with no concern for Thor’s safety
• Hulk, for…well…everything

And the Booby Prize goes to…

Hulk. Of course! Ross’ agenda is in the interest of national security, so you could say his priorities demand he do whatever needs to be done. Doom is a first class villain—he’s not expected to play well with others. But at this point in his superhero career, Hulk should have developed more impressive interpersonal skills.

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BEST USE OF THE TIME TRAVEL MOTIF

Like it’s not enough to be living in a comic book world full of superheroes, magic, and sci-fi inventions! Let’s push the envelope by adding the fantasy element of Time Travel. (Now we’re cookin’ with GAS!)

In the category of Best Use of the Time Travel Motif, the nominees are:

• The Sphinx is Rama Tut’s time machine
• Doctor Doom sends the Fantastic Four to pirate times and Thing is Blackbeard
• Thor travels to the future to take on Tomorrow Man

And the Award goes to…

The Fantastic Four in pirate times, if only for that wonderful image of Thing as Blackbeard! Seeing that, I thought, “Suddenly, this all makes sense…”

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THE “WAS THE ASPCA CONSULTED?” BOOBY PRIZE

Bless the beasts and the children. Apparently, not everyone in the Marvel Universe agrees. Some of our characters show outrageous disregard for the four-footed, eight-legged, and the feathered. Time for another Booby Prize!

In the category of the “Was the ASPCA Consulted?” Booby Prize, the nominees are:

• Professor Shapanka tests his invention by freezing an alley cat
• Doctor Doom (disguised as Reed Richards) steals animals from the zoo and miniaturizes them
• Ant-Man uses ants as a landing pad

And the Booby Prize goes to…

Ant-Man. Really, Henry, you’re a HERO, you should know better than to abuse ants, even if they are your servants. When Shapanka is done experimenting on the cat, the feline is “in perfect condition.” No harm comes to the miniaturized animals, and we have to assume that once Reed returns to his own body, he puts them back where they belong. As for Pym’s poor ants, however, I wonder how many were crushed and died simply so Ant Man “couldn’t ask for a softer landing spot!”

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GIRLS GONE WILD

Many Marvel maidens are prim and proper–Jane Foster, Sue Storm, Aunt May. But never let it be said, even in these earliest days of the Silver Age, that Marvel didn’t have it’s fair share of delicious vixens!

In the category of Girls Gone Wild, the nominees are:

• Dorma, Namor’s jilted lover who in a jealous rage, tries to drown Sue Storm
• Kala, the beautiful and strong-willed Queen of the Netherworld
• The overly-flirtatious Wasp

And the Award goes to…

Wasp! She has such a no-holds-barred manner with stuffed-shirt Henry Pym that in time, she will surely wear him down. Kala and Dorma both have very specific agendas, but fail. On the other hand, I feel certain Wasp will not fail. I have to wonder if the Wasp’s persistent flirtations had anything to do with Ant-Man deciding to morph himself into the new hero, Giant-Man? Was the little Wasp more woman than tiny Ant-Man could handle? You go, girl!

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MOST DRAMATIC FANTASTIC FOUR “DAMSEL IN DISTRESS” MOMENT

Without drama, there is no story. And certainly, the no-doubt largely male audience of Marvel’s Silver Age took exceptional delight in stories where a “Damsel in Distress” was rescued by a gallant hero. Strap in tight, girls! You’re about to be “Damsel-fied!”

In the category of Most Dramatic Fantastic Four “Damsel In Distress” Moment, the nominees are:

• Sue is magnetically attached to the Red Ghost’s orangutan: “I can’t move! I’m completely helpless!” in Fantastic Four #13
• Sue is kidnapped by Namor, and nearly drowned by his jealous girlfriend Dorma, in Fantastic Four Annual #1
• Blind Alicia is lifted through the air on a strange grappler wave and taken to Doctor Doom’s incredible floating laboratory, where she is held prisoner, in Fantastic Four #17

And the Award goes to…

Alicia. Four words: Blind. Floating. Laboratory. Prisoner. Oh, and did I happen to mention: the demented Doctor Doom?

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MOST ROMANTIC DATE

Since this is the Girl’s View of the Marvel Universe, I couldn’t get through these awards without a nod towards some of the most romantic dates in the earliest books of the Silver Age. Sure, our heroes can subdue super-villains and restore order to the metropolis. But how good are they at the really important stuff…like winning a girl’s heart?

In the category of Most Romantic Date, the nominees are:

• Namor and Sue dine at a fashionable Hollywood nightclub, in Fantastic Four #9.
• Henry and Janet spend a night on the town, listening to jazz music. Henry looks dapper, smoking his pipe, and Janet is shapely and feminine in her tight fitting dress, in Tales To Astonish #47.
• Though it’s not actually a “date,” in Amazing Spider-Man #7, at the end, Peter and Betty sit together on the floor of the Daily Bugle office and make goo-goo eyes at each other.

And the Award goes to…

Namor and Sue. Sub-Mariner cleans up nicely, don’t you think, once you get him out of those swimming trunks? And what girl wouldn’t want to be wooed at a Hollywood nightclub?

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MOST GRUESOME TRANSFORMATION

Uggh! Aaaaargh!!! Not every make-over is pretty.

In the category of Most Gruesome Transformation, the nominees are:

• Bruce Banner to Hulk
• Ben Grimm to Thing
• Skrulls

And the Award goes to…

Ben Grimm. Grimm starts out as such a handsome fellow, and Thing is so ugly. Sure, Hulk is nothing to look at, but at least he still retains more of a semblance of humanity in his appearance. As for the Skrulls, they just go from bad to worse. But Grimm’s story is the most tragic and…ahem…grim.

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Coming Attractions…

Of course, I am no longer grim, being well-taken care of and protected by the Marvel superheroes. My trepidation regarding overly-sensitive super-villains is quelled, and I’m ready to go on with more awards!

In the next couple of days, I’ll be taking a look from the other side of the magical plane that separates the Marvel Universe from our own: first the writers, then the artists. What? You didn’t actually think all this magic just happens without the hard work and dedication of many magicians?

Tune in tomorrow for further adventures in the MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

SUPERHERO AWARDS

Gratefully, I have made it through another day and night without incident, and am now transmitting these awards from a secret location. I can’t tell you exactly where I am, only that because Tony Stark has lent me his super-fantastic Transistor-Powered Image Projector (Avengers #3), just for this occasion, I have every confidence these transmissions will make it through sub-space interference. So, even though I cannot be with you in person, I am certainly with you in spirit.

I imagine every Marvel superhero will puff up with pride to find themselves in this next batch of awards. Because that’s just the kind of swell people they are. And even if they don’t win, I’m sure they will feel honored simply to have been nominated.

And if, perchance, I’ve left anyone out (and with the vast library of superhero exploits, even to this point, I wouldn’t be at all surprised), then my sincerest apologies are extended. But remember, folks, this is only the beginning! Every one of our Marvel superheroes has done an admirable job in their origin story, and is even now sharpening their skills for future fights against evil.

But because these superheroes never rest in their toils, they don’t have a lot of time to sit around contemplating their belly buttons. So, let’s get on with this show, so we can get the good guys out of here and back to work!

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MOST INNOVATIVE SUPERHERO COSTUME

Clothes make the man. And in the case of superheroes, super costumes make the superman. (Please forgive the unintentional DC slip…) We just saw how Mr. Doll thought he could get away with adding an unadorned jester’s cap to his blue jeans and jacket and still be considered an awesome super-villain (Oof! I’ve done it again! I can’t seem to stop insulting these super-villains!) but our superheroes know better than that. You’ve got to have an outfit that is not only fantastic, but also fully-functional, if you want to be taken seriously as a Marvel superhero.

In the category of Most Innovative Superhero Costume, the nominees are:

• Iron Man’s collapsible armor that fits in his attaché case
• The Fantastic Four’s matching blue suits of unstable molecules
• Spider-Man’s aerodynamic costume with underarm webbing, that he wears like a second skin under his street clothes

A difficult choice, but the Award goes to…

The Fantastic Four! Being able to fit an entire suit of armor in an attaché case is truly impressive, but unstable molecules win this one. Iron man’s costume is James Bond technology, but unstable molecules–that’s Star Trek technology!

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MOST ANGST-RIDDEN SUPERHERO

Having superpowers is apparently no guarantee of superior ability to deal effectively with life’s every day troubles and traumas. In fact, observing some of our Marvel heroes, we might almost conclude that “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

In the category of Most Angst-Ridden Superhero, the nominees are:

• Sue Storm, for being unable to decide if she loves Reed Richards or Namor: Sub-Mariner: Monarch of Atlantis
• Hulk, for always being thought of as the bad guy, even when he tries to do good
• Peter Parker, for having money troubles, girl troubles, bully troubles, AND having to worry about J. Jonah Jameson disgracing his superhero alter ego in the press

All good contenders, but the Award goes to…

Peter Parker! It could have been a three-way tie, but Parker gets extra points for being a TEENAGER. Because, after all, what’s more angsty than a teenager?

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HEROES BEHAVING BADLY

We all have our bad days, and superheroes are no exception. Of course, some of us have more bad days than others… There were so many nominations in this category, I just couldn’t cut them down to three. And I’m sure you can think of many more. Here’s just the cream of the crop.

In the category of Heroes Behaving Badly, the nominees are:

• Thor calls Heimdall a “flunky” and punches him in the kisser (while under Loki’s hypnotic influence)
• Hulk gets annoyed and insults an airline stewardess (because he’s Hulk)
• Torch and Thing engage in shenanigans that destroy portions of the Baxter Building and ruin Sue’s expensive “original creation” clothing, then blame each other and say it was an accident
• Beast steals a kiss from Jean Grey, whom he’s just met (and gets slapped for it!)
• Thor “raises his hammer” to Odin as they argue about whether or not he will be permitted to marry Jane Foster
• The Fantastic Four fight each other under the spell of the Hate Monger’s Hate Ray

And the Award goes to…

Torch and Thing. Actually, there are plenty of incidents where Torch and Thing engage in childish shenanigans, but in Fantastic Four Annual #1, they seem determined to outdo themselves. And they succeed. They can’t use the excuse of being under a spell, or hypnosis, or overcome by despair. They’re simply acting like idiots.

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BEST POUT BY A SUPERHERO

Earlier, we saw how well our super-villains pout. Let’s see if the superheroes can keep pace…

In the category of Best Pout By a Superhero, the nominees are:

• Johnny Storm, for getting mad at his teammates and running away to the Bowery
• Peter Parker, in the Spider-Man origin story, for sobbing, “Some day I’ll show them! some day they’ll be sorry! Sorry that they laughed at me!”
• Sue Storm, for taking fan mail way too seriously and crying, “A number of fans have said that I don’t contribute enough…you’d be better off without me! And perhaps they’re right!”

And the Award goes to…

Peter Parker again! And again, I refer to his being a teenager. There’s something about a teenage boy “sobbing” and thinking, “Someday they’ll be sorry!” that’s both heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time.

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MOST GRATUITOUS USE OF SUPERPOWERS

Two words: Chandler’s Computer. With that in mind, let us proceed to our next award:

In the category of Most Gratuitous Use of Superpowers, the nominees are:

• Iron Man juggles cars for the entertainment of orphans
• Iceman jokes around and turns himself into a snowman
• Human Torch creates a blazing version of Niagara Falls and signs his name in fire in the sky, saying, “My fans oughta get a CHARGE out of THAT!”

And the Award goes to…

Iceman! Iron Man is at least performing a philanthropic act, and you could say that Torch’s skywriting is PR, but there’s no excuse for Iceman. Extra points for the exceptionally goofy-looking snowman.

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MOST PHILANTHROPIC ACT BY A SUPERHERO
OUTSIDE THE LINE OF DUTY

Not every use of superpowers “outside the line of duty” is necessarily gratuitous. With hearts as big and strong as the ever-lovin’ Thing, many a superhero (or superheroine) is more than happy to employ their special gifts for the public good. It’s this concern for people in general that makes their superheroism truly impressive.

In the category of Most Philanthropic Act By a Superhero Outside the Line of Duty, the nominees are:

• Mr. Fantastic, who stretches across town to visit sick Tommy in the hospital
• Invisible Girl, who visits an orphanage
• Iron Man, who juggles cars at a performance for an orphanage

And the Award goes to…

Iron Man gets the nod this time, because not only is he reaching out to multiple children at the same time (whereas Reed is only visiting one child), but juggling cars trumps invisibility–or any other “entertainment” Sue is likely to do for orphans.

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SEXIEST TONY STARK MOMENT

Okay. The Tony Stark of these early comics is no Robert Downey Jr., but he has his moments.

In the category of Sexiest Tony Stark Moment, the nominees are:

• Tales of Suspense #39, where Stark is introduced to the comic book world as “both a sophisticate and a scientist! A millionaire bachelor as much at home in a laboratory as in high society!”
• Tales of Suspense #48, where Tony speeds in his convertible, with a white scarf blowing behind him in the wind, a lock of hair falling over his forehead
• Tales of Suspense #45, where Stark drives a race car…really, really fast!

And the Award goes to…

Tales of Suspense #48. Hair. Scarf. Need I say more?

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SQUAREST JAW ON A SUPERHERO

Hair. Scarf. Well, wait. There’s one more thing that needs to be said. You can’t be a superhero if you don’t have a square jaw. The Square Jaw is the defining characteristic of a Manly-Man, which is the defining characteristic of a superhero.

In the category of Squarest Jaw on a Superhero, the nominees are:

• Thor
• Tony Stark (with an Honorable Mention for “Hair so Black, it’s Blue”)
• Henry Pym/Ant Man

And the Award goes to…

Thor! He’s looking very handsome here. And if an Asgardian god doesn’t have a square jaw, then who does?

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Coming Attractions…

Okay! I’ve made it through another session of the Marvelous Awards! What do you think? Did I leave anybody out? At least with the superheroes, if they are offended, they might only go off in a corner and sulk for a short while, rather than threaten me with bodily harm.

Anyway, tomorrow should be interesting, as I break from character evaluation (or assassination, as the case might be…) to take a broad look at the Silver Age of Comics.

I hope you’ll join me, as I laud and honor the greatest moments of a time and place that is like no other in the real or fictional world, with my own peculiar brand of MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

THE MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

VILLAIN AWARDS

When I left you at the end of yesterday’s Supporting Cast Awards, I recognized that some of the super-villains who are about to receive awards in this next installment of The Marvelous Awards may take exception to my opinions. I passed a sleepless night, wondering if I ought to risk putting myself in personal danger, but then decided…no! The truth must be told! And so, without further ado, let us proceed to the most trepidatious part of these awards: the very best and the very worst of Marvel’s Super-Villains!

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UGLIEST VILLAIN

And so I begin right away to bruise some super-egos. Because surely nobody wants to be called “ugly,” not even super-villains. Villains may aspire to a fearsome and intimidating appearance, but would prefer to leave the tag of “ugly” for their opponents and pocketbook-sized pets with little or no hair. Yet I find there are far too many villains who personify the definition of “ugly,” but here I will only mention a few of the top contenders.

In the category of Ugliest Villain, the nominees are:

• Mole Man
• Puppet Master
• Vanisher

And the Award goes to…

The Puppet Master, for the odd combination of teeth and long eyelashes. eerrrhew!

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MOST INNOVATIVE SUPER-VILLAIN COSTUME

They say that clothes make the man, and in the case of a good super-villain, that’s doubly so! A good costume not only sets the villain apart from his cohorts visually, but also aids him in his criminal pursuits.

In the category of Most Innovative Super-Villain Costume, the nominees are:

• Porcupine
• Chameleon, with his multi-pocket disguise vest
• Vulture

And the Award goes to…

The Porcupine. I’ve never been impressed by the Vulture, and the Chameleon’s vest is just a tad more sophisticated than my junior high Home-Ec sewing project. But Porcupine manages to incorporate multiple threats within his needles, and the whole business seems so organic, so natural, you’d almost believe he is a porcupine!

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GOOFIEST SUPER-VILLAIN COSTUME

And then there’s the other side of the coin. The guy in the neighborhood costume shop who designed these outfits for his customer had best be looking over his shoulder. He’s in trouble for making his client look like a doofus.

In the category of Goofiest Super-Villain Costume, the nominees are:

• Paste Pot Pete’s artistic clown outfit
• The Hate-Monger’s giant “H” tunic and KKK mask
• Mr. Doll’s jester headpiece over blue jeans and green jacket
• Loki’s scaly yellow underpants

And the Award goes to…

Pete! Any time we mention the word “goofy,” Paste Pot Pete has to be in the conversation. Extra points for keeping his opponents off guard, wondering if ol’ Pete is heading to the battlefield, or hoping to join the circus. “A” for effort to Loki and The Hate-Monger for attempting to keep up, but a failing grade to Mr. Doll, who isn’t even trying.

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BEST USE OF DISGUISE BY A SUPER-VILLAIN

In contrast to the flamboyant super-villains who want you to take notice, others pride themselves on the ability to blend in, transform themselves, or disappear altogether. When the disguise appears to be no disguise at all, then the use of disguise is most effective.

In the category of Best Use of Disguise by a Super-Villain, the nominees are:

• The Space Phantom, who sends his victims to Limbo while he impersonates them
• The Chameleon, whose entire superpower is based on impersonation
• The Actor, who can manipulate his rubbery face to resemble almost anyone with the aid of a little make-up

And the Award goes to…

The Space Phantom, because he accomplishes his trickery by mystical means, so that his victims are “banished to Limbo, the silent world between shadow and substance.” The others rely too much on “substance,” needing makeup and clothing to complete their task. Too slow! Too awkward!

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WIMPIEST VILLAIN

Super-villains, like schoolyard bullies, have egos the size of Montana, sometimes leading them to think they’re the most fearsome entity on the planet. Sadly for them, when someone eventually stands up to them, reality soon sets in…

In the category of Wimpiest Villain, the nominees are:

• Gargoyle in Hulk #1: “I’d give ANYTHING to be normal! Anything!”
• The Skrulls in Fantastic Four #2: “We hate being Skrulls! We’d rather be anything else!”
• Stone Men of Saturn in Journey Into Mystery #83: “Back!! Back to the ships at once!! We must FLEE this accursed planet!!”

And the Award goes to…

The Skrulls. I understand the Skrulls will go on to provide a serious challenge to our stable of superheroes, but here in Fantastic Four #2, there is nothing wimpier than hating yourself so much, you would rather be a cow.

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MOST FEARSOME VILLAIN

And then there are the truly fearsome evildoers. These guys are sometimes more powerful than even they realize. If they ever learn to get past those pesky super-villain tropes (like placing the heroes in intricate death traps, instead of–you know—killing them), then the world’s in real trouble.

In the category of Most Fearsome Villain, the nominees are:

• The Sandman, because “Nothing Can Stop The Sandman!”
• Super Skrull, because he possesses “all the powers of the Fantastic Four…and even more!”
• Doctor Doom…do I even need to give a reason?

And the Award obviously goes to…

Doctor Doom, of course. Unlike the Super Skrull, he has not yet been vanquished, and unlike the Sandman, his evil motives are not as pedestrian as quick cash. He desires evil and mayhem on a large scale, and no matter how many times the Fantastic Four thwart him, he keeps coming back for more.

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BEST USE OF HYPNOSIS BY A SUPER-VILLAIN

Look into my eyes! You are getting sleepy…sleepy… But there’s no falling asleep for the reader, when a super-villain applies the powerful trick of hypnosis to his victims. Some of the most unsettling stories often involve loss of will, through this dangerous, mystical means.

In the category of Best Use of Hypnosis by a Super-Villain, the nominees are:

• The Ringmaster, who employs mass hypnosis to rob circus patrons
• Trago the musician, who hypnotizes his audience so he can steal their valuables
• Loki, who controls Thor by use of his powers

And the Award goes to…

Loki, for recognizing that he who controls Thor controls the elements, and thus acquires a treasure much more valuable than any amount of cash and jewelry. Trago and the Ringmaster are simply thinking too small.

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MOST TOUCHING VILLAIN BACKSTORY

We’ve often heard that every cloud has a silver lining. In the same way, we might say that every super-villain has a softer, more sensitive side. Well, some of them, anyway…With a select few, we’ve been made privy to extremely touching backstories—the kind that make us want to give that super-villain a great big hug and say, “You poor thing! Don’t worry…everything’s going to be okay…”

In the category of Most Touching Villain Backstory, the nominees are:

• Dr. Curt Connors, aka the Lizard, who, after losing his arm in the war, seeks the secret to regenerating lost limbs, not only for himself, but for all mankind
• Namor, whose parents are star-crossed lovers, a human sea captain and Atlantean princess
• The Mole Man, who is shunned by society for being ugly

And the Award goes to…

Curt Connors, because he has the most noble intentions, with no desire to be a villain. He is a victim of his own scientific philanthropy. The fact that his wife and child must cope with his transformation only makes his story more touching.

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WIMPIEST MOTIVATION FOR BECOMING A VILLAIN

Very little is random in the Marvel Universe. Both superheroes and super-villains alike have intensely personal reasons for doing what they do. Sometimes their reasons make sense to us, other times…not so much. And sometimes we find that the biggest villains are also the biggest babies.

In the category of Wimpiest Motivation for Becoming a Villain, the nominees are:

• In Strange Tales #111, Mordo is jealous that The Ancient One likes Dr. Strange better than him, so he wants to kill them both
• In Strange Tales #111, Professor Kasloff is annoyed that his employer is profiting off his great scientific intellect to get rich, while he works for a pittance
• In Fantastic Four #1, the Mole Man turns against society because women won’t date him and employers won’t give him a job

And the Award goes to…

Professor Kasloff. Really, Kasloff? You’re not the first guy this has happened to. The world’s not fair, boo hoo?? Get a grip and get over it!

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MOST OBVIOUS COMMIE SPY

Oh, those Commies! It’s the 60’s, and the Cold War is as icy as Jane Foster chiding Dr. Blake for deserting her in a time of danger (but thank goodness Thor was there). We love to hate those Commies, and honestly, sometimes in Marvel comics, those Commines are so stupid and obvious, we can’t help but laugh at them—most derisively!

In the category of Most Obvious Commie Spy, the nominees are:

• Dr. Bruce Banner’s lab assistant, Igor
• Card-carrying Commie Karl Kort
• Comrade X

And the Award goes to…

Card-carrying Commie Karl Kort. Because “card-carrying” is NOT a euphemism. He is ACTUALLY carrying a card that identifies him as a Communist–while working on a U.S. military base!!

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MOST RIDICULOUS SUPER-VILLAIN NAME

Surely there is no lack of dreadful, portentous and threatening words in the English language. You’d think the easiest (and most fun) part of being a super-villain would be in choosing an ominous moniker. If so, why do so many fail so miserably at this simple task?

In the category of Most Ridiculous Super-Villain Name, the nominees are:

• Mr. Doll
• The Puppet Master
• The Terrible Tinkerer

And the Award goes to…

The Tinkerer! I know Stan loves alliteration, and here it works its magic with the term “Terrible Tinkerer.” There’s something supremely ridiculous about combining the word “terrible” with “tinker.” The only thing that could make this more outrageous would be if the Tinkerer’s given name was Timmy Tuttle, an eighty-year-old man with a weak bladder.

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BEST POUT BY A SUPER-VILLAIN

We expect our villains to threaten, pontificate and generally behave in a most disagreeable manner. What we don’t expect is to see them whining, pouting, and acting like spoiled children. Yet, there is no lack of crabby self-loathing among this select group.

In the category of Best Pout By a Super-Villain, the nominees are:

• The Red Barbarian knocks out the bearer of bad news with a side of ham from his lunch plate
• Doctor Doom looks in the mirror and exclaims, “I alone must hide like a dark wraith from the sight of my fellow man!”
• Kurrgo from the Planet X gets left behind, whining, “Wait! I can’t give up my dream of absolute power!”

And the Award goes to…

Doctor Doom, for the added touch of melodrama. The Red Barbarian is merely a barbarian, and Kurrgo is small and selfish. But Doom doesn’t do anything small or mean unless it’s for a REALLY good reason.

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Coming Attractions…

So there you have it! Those are my Super-Villain Awards. And remember: if you have anything to add, or any comments, please feel free!

Equally important: If I’ve offended any super-villains, I sincerely apologize, and remind you that at this very moment Reed Richards and Tony Stark are collaborating on a top secret device that can nullify a super-villain’s super-powers from a thousand miles away, within the blink of an eye. Oh! And did I mention that Bruce Banner is consulting? And Spider-Man is providing the super-elastic webbing that will ultimately cause the entire contraption to function like a dream?

So! Lots and lots of threats to the world of super-villiandom at the moment, you don’t really have time to exact any revenge on little ol’ me…
I’ll be checking in with you all tomorrow (hopefully…) from a clandestine location for the next installment of the Marvelous Awards, when we take a look at that category of character that makes the Marvel Universe truly marvelous: Superheroes! So join me then for more MARVELOUS AWARDS!!

And in the meantime….peace and goodwill… to all…